Once upon a time I had a friend who would get mad at me for being “thyroid tired,” aka hypothyroid. She would ask how it was different than being normal tired, and why I couldn’t just get over it, and why it was taking so long, etc… and since I was hypo, I couldn’t adequately explain it through the fog, and the inconvenience of it being such a hazy thing always made her so mad…

If It had to describe it now, it’d be like saying an eye mask of warm gel under your skin that goes through your eyes, up into your forehead, in your cheeks… a constant little humming heat of summer, sapping your energy little by little. No matter how much sleep you get, no matter how much coffee you drink, it’s always there. You can get momentary reprieves by taking naps and when you first turn on the fan, but it doesn’t last; pretty soon it settles back and your mind drifts back into the thick and murky water.

Your limbs don’t want to move… your eyes just want to close… you don’t necessarily want to sleep, you just can’t think straight, so you just sort of drift there until something stirs you again. 

But I have prescription refills again. Not just for thyroid, but for bipolar mania insomnia, too. Because that has not helped me at all whatsoever nopenopenope. 8);

And lots of unpleasant memories to sort through.

Once upon a time I had a friend who would get mad at me for being “thyroid tired,” aka hypothyroid. She would ask how it was different than being normal tired, and why I couldn’t just get over it, and why it was taking so long, etc… and since I was hypo, I couldn’t adequately explain it through the fog, and the inconvenience of it being such a hazy thing always made her so mad…

If It had to describe it now, it’d be like saying an eye mask of warm gel under your skin that goes through your eyes, up into your forehead, in your cheeks… a constant little humming heat of summer, sapping your energy little by little. No matter how much sleep you get, no matter how much coffee you drink, it’s always there. You can get momentary reprieves by taking naps and when you first turn on the fan, but it doesn’t last; pretty soon it settles back and your mind drifts back into the thick and murky water.

Your limbs don’t want to move… your eyes just want to close… you don’t necessarily want to sleep, you just can’t think straight, so you just sort of drift there until something stirs you again. 

But I have prescription refills again. Not just for thyroid, but for bipolar mania insomnia, too. Because that has not helped me at all whatsoever nopenopenope. 8);

And lots of unpleasant memories to sort through.

Reasons for being away:

1. Legs hurt too much to be at my desk
2. New meds involve taking two sedatives at night, which is making me v nappy at any given time and v v groggy in the morning (will reschedule dr appointment soon to fix this; he’d intended to transition me to other things by now)
3. I need to be working on my book so I’ve been cleaning the apartment and working on my new website instead
4. Starbound
5. Stranger Things
6. Lady Dynamite
7. zzzzz z z zzz z z zz 
8. I think the sedatives are also making me somewhat antisocial because I do not have the energy to keep up with anything, especially scrolling through posts and/or dealing with people 

Seriously though I am gonna finish these rewrites and query agents by the end of August. 

AND HERE IS A CAT:

Reasons for being away:

1. Legs hurt too much to be at my desk
2. New meds involve taking two sedatives at night, which is making me v nappy at any given time and v v groggy in the morning (will reschedule dr appointment soon to fix this; he’d intended to transition me to other things by now)
3. I need to be working on my book so I’ve been cleaning the apartment and working on my new website instead
4. Starbound
5. Stranger Things
6. Lady Dynamite
7. zzzzz z z zzz z z zz 
8. I think the sedatives are also making me somewhat antisocial because I do not have the energy to keep up with anything, especially scrolling through posts and/or dealing with people 

Seriously though I am gonna finish these rewrites and query agents by the end of August. 

AND HERE IS A CAT:

Sorry for the silence, been very busy.

Doctor appointment went well. He’s extremely loud but friendly and seems to know what he’s doing. I like him. Lab tests for blood work all came back GREAT (yes, even glucose and cholesterol, those of you fatphobic jerks), except for vitamin d, which I am apparently VERY deficient in. Added a med for the tension/cluster headaches that also acts as a mood stabilizer. Will be changing my primary anti-depressant med in a month after my recheck, too. 

He’s referred me to a vein specialist, too, because he wants there to be thorough testing for the edema, since he suspects it’s a venous disease, not lymphedema. They’re treated the same way, basically, but needs to be tested and evaluated by an expert, who I’d need to see anyway for said treatment.

It was encouraging, though. He said that my inability to lose weight isn’t because of failure to diet or exercise (though he said I should keep that up of course), but because there’s something else going on. Thank god. 

He said, “Thyroid cancer, PCOS, anti-depressants that are known for causing weight gain… GEE. Clearly there’s something more here at work!” with this big grin like of COURSE it wasn’t my fault and he didn’t think I was just lazy and a pig. 

I could have cried. 

He also said that clearly I was a person who wasn’t just going to accept my health the way it was. I wanted to hug him.

I don’t ever expect to be a super model. I don’t think I’ll ever be thin. And that’s okay. I want to be able to go camping. I want to be able to go on little hikes in the summer and keep up. I want to run really slowly in a community marathon for charity and not die. I want to be able to go to Disneyland and not have to worry if I will be able to fit in the rides or not. 

THESE ARE MY ASPIRATIONS. 

Anyway I think that’s pretty much it. I can’t wait for the LONG weekend. The new med has ‘may cause drowsiness’ on the bottle and bOY it is not kidding. I am going to sleep and do very little else.

Sorry for the silence, been very busy.

Doctor appointment went well. He’s extremely loud but friendly and seems to know what he’s doing. I like him. Lab tests for blood work all came back GREAT (yes, even glucose and cholesterol, those of you fatphobic jerks), except for vitamin d, which I am apparently VERY deficient in. Added a med for the tension/cluster headaches that also acts as a mood stabilizer. Will be changing my primary anti-depressant med in a month after my recheck, too. 

He’s referred me to a vein specialist, too, because he wants there to be thorough testing for the edema, since he suspects it’s a venous disease, not lymphedema. They’re treated the same way, basically, but needs to be tested and evaluated by an expert, who I’d need to see anyway for said treatment.

It was encouraging, though. He said that my inability to lose weight isn’t because of failure to diet or exercise (though he said I should keep that up of course), but because there’s something else going on. Thank god. 

He said, “Thyroid cancer, PCOS, anti-depressants that are known for causing weight gain… GEE. Clearly there’s something more here at work!” with this big grin like of COURSE it wasn’t my fault and he didn’t think I was just lazy and a pig. 

I could have cried. 

He also said that clearly I was a person who wasn’t just going to accept my health the way it was. I wanted to hug him.

I don’t ever expect to be a super model. I don’t think I’ll ever be thin. And that’s okay. I want to be able to go camping. I want to be able to go on little hikes in the summer and keep up. I want to run really slowly in a community marathon for charity and not die. I want to be able to go to Disneyland and not have to worry if I will be able to fit in the rides or not. 

THESE ARE MY ASPIRATIONS. 

Anyway I think that’s pretty much it. I can’t wait for the LONG weekend. The new med has ‘may cause drowsiness’ on the bottle and bOY it is not kidding. I am going to sleep and do very little else.

I wrote a big long post explaining my latest mopey streak but then deleted it because… it was really long. Short version:

• May is hard because my dad died five years ago on May 26th. It sucked. It still sucks. But things are slowly getting better.
• I’m all sorts of worked up about my health because I gained more weight for no apparent reason, and it’s freaking me out even though I know it’s part of the monthly cycle and will be gone in a few days, just like that.
• High stress, high paranoia, high ANGER levels. GAB SMASH, then curl up on the couch and cry because she is FOREVER ALONE. 
• New doctor next week. I’m afraid he’ll be a jerk like other doctor’s I’ve had, but if I can just get him to find me a lymphedema specialist, I’ll be happy. It’d be nice if he gave me more ambien, too. 
• If not I will fight him. Literally. Or verbally. IDK. 

Good things:

• I rejoined weight watchers (online) because I can finally afford it again.
• I’ve started learning Spanish because it bothers me that I can’t help more people that I meet on the train. It’s fun so far, even if my accent is terrible.
• I’m pretty darn excited about San Diego. I have the silly idea of finding a bakery there to make us a (REALLY) tiny wedding cake. There was so much that we wanted to do for our wedding but couldn’t afford to at the time. 

I think that’s it. 

I wrote a big long post explaining my latest mopey streak but then deleted it because… it was really long. Short version:

• May is hard because my dad died five years ago on May 26th. It sucked. It still sucks. But things are slowly getting better.
• I’m all sorts of worked up about my health because I gained more weight for no apparent reason, and it’s freaking me out even though I know it’s part of the monthly cycle and will be gone in a few days, just like that.
• High stress, high paranoia, high ANGER levels. GAB SMASH, then curl up on the couch and cry because she is FOREVER ALONE. 
• New doctor next week. I’m afraid he’ll be a jerk like other doctor’s I’ve had, but if I can just get him to find me a lymphedema specialist, I’ll be happy. It’d be nice if he gave me more ambien, too. 
• If not I will fight him. Literally. Or verbally. IDK. 

Good things:

• I rejoined weight watchers (online) because I can finally afford it again.
• I’ve started learning Spanish because it bothers me that I can’t help more people that I meet on the train. It’s fun so far, even if my accent is terrible.
• I’m pretty darn excited about San Diego. I have the silly idea of finding a bakery there to make us a (REALLY) tiny wedding cake. There was so much that we wanted to do for our wedding but couldn’t afford to at the time. 

I think that’s it.