Your question is great and I understood you perfectly! No worries at all.

I suppose Niko is where I should have started with the question, as he’s probably the best example of processing trauma/navigating through life with writing that I have.

(For those who aren’t aware, in the Yuri!!! on Ice fic Never Look Away, we give young Viktor a boyfriend named Niko– and in case it wasn’t obvious, he was NOT a good one.)

I knew early on in the outline-drafting phase of NLA that we wanted to give Viktor someone in his life that would leave a lasting, negative impact. We toyed with a few ideas, but long before the end of the series, we knew that his “first lover” was the perfect candidate. Since my job was writing Viktor, I created Niko to fill the role, and boy-howdy was there a lot in my own life to draw on.

I won’t name names or be too specific, but Niko is based on the common traits that I saw in my own ex boyfriends (and ex friends, etc), as well as those I saw in my friends’ lives. Some of them were easier to get over than others, but all had a huge impact on my life. It would have been easy to create this horrible, nasty villain and call it a day, but that wouldn’t have served justice for the story OR for Vitya, so I had to go a step deeper.

A truly believable character, even one you’re supposed to hate, is one that feels real. So I had to find reasons to love him, myself. I gave Niko the name he has because it’s one of my most favorite names. I had to recall what it was like to be a touch-starved teenager, longing for acceptance and attention, and what I might look for in a love interest. Now as an adult, I know SO much more than I did, and it’s easier to contextualize, but like you said, the inexperienced don’t have that luxury.

It was the same for me and the exes (of varying kinds). None of the relationships really started out toxic. Most of them were young, too, after all… and still trying to figure out who they were/how to navigate in their own lives. I wanted to give Niko the benefit of the doubt at first, and so did Vitya. He wasn’t always a terrible person, but it was his choices and the way he interacted with others that really cemented his being a bad guy.

That is to say, no one is all good or all bad. If I were going to write him properly, I had to understand his own motivations, hopes, desires, and dreams. That helped me to look at my exes that way, too. A lot of the fights we had boiled down to miscommunication and pride on both sides. Vitya was young and impulsive. Niko was fighting his own insecurities and feeling pressured. Did they love each other? Sure, at some point or another, but they were ultimately incompatible, and that can only last so long before something had to give.

I think that’s where we come to the other part of your ask– Niko vs Yuuri. Something I really love in NLA was we got to do a LOT of comparison/contrast between the different character dynamics and relationships, which is what the series also excels at.

Where Niko refused to give in and made Vitya lead in all things, Yuuri was all about being expected to take charge and meet in the middle. They’re both extremely stubborn, but Yuuri wanted to do the work and thinks of Viktor’s well-being, while Niko is only worried about himself and how things impacted him.

It’s like the fine line between being possessive and being protective. Niko wanted to keep Viktor like a prize; Yuuri wanted to earn his place by Viktor’s side.

Several of the scenes in the fic (both NLA and Vitya Diaries) are based on things that happened to me with the folks I based Niko off of. It has taken me a long time to get through it, and I still struggle from the past abuse, but thankfully I have good people supporting me now, and that helps. It’s a long process to come from feeling worthless and put down, to taking a stand for yourself, to then realizing you’re worthwhile, just as you are. But like we say in NLA, and I hope it comes through, love is real and patient love is healing.

I’m very grateful that I had the opportunity to not only experience that myself, but to explore it in writing for others, as well.

I hope that answers your question. Feel free to send more if needed. I’m happy to help in any way I can. 🙂