Tag: negative

Y’know that sort of impending doom feeling that you get in your chest sometimes? That fills you with dread and you don’t even know what could go wrong but you know that it will? And you can already see your friends drifting away from you, there’s evidence everywhere, but you feel helpless to stop it because you’re so tired and it’s inevitable, anyway? There’s no permanence in this life at all, just adapting and hoping that the next wave of change won’t be too hard to wade through. That maybe, if you’re very very lucky, you’ll be left with some scraps of the friendships and projects you’ve built. 

Friends and jobs and fandoms and obsessions all burst into brilliant light and fade in a constant flow. It’s like life is a spider-web with moments of passion connecting all of the random threads together, but they give way to lulls for the next point of contact…

ughh

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I’m adding a ton of art blogs to help dilute my dash of sadness.

This is me, having a severe crisis in confidence over the past several days. 

My book has major issues. My writing is trite and cliche. I can’t tie a story together worth crap and I fear that my characters are too passive to keep people reading. I think that a lot of it can be fixed in revision, but I have to keep going and stay motivated enough to follow through with it. I tend to give up too easily.

My art is problematic. Too saturated, too messy. Textures and photoshop filters don’t hide underlying problems. I have a lot of work to do if I’m going to reach the next level. 

Neither of these things bring in money to the house. The chances of me being published or officially commissioned in a professional capacity are quite slim. I know this. So is it worth beating myself up over every day about it? Is it worth pouring more and more money into writing conferences and art supplies and things like a tablet, that would let me lie on the couch and do work?

Do I have the capacity and the potential to improve and do something with my crafts? Or is this just a hobby? 

I love writing and I love art. I am not satisfied with my skill in either right now. I don’t think I could ever give either up, but at what point does it just become… ridiculous to keep hoping? To keep saying that my dream is to be a published author/illustrator? 

I don’t think I’m bad, but I’m definitely not great. I know enough, now, to tell the difference. I’m just not that calibre. 

Should I be content with doodles and stories that I keep locked in my drawer and don’t tell anyone about? Maybe spend more time cleaning my house instead of working on outlines and comparing tablet models? 

I’ve long since passed the point of not wanting to share my sketchbook with anyone, even when they ask. I don’t let most people read my writing, either. 

Can I get better or is it already too late?

Didn’t go to @anyahatesbunnies‘ party because I’m feeling sick and I wasn’t able to arrange transportation, so I’m cleaning my apartment and having a pity party instead. Maybe I’ll make some soup.

On the plus side, NaNoWriMo starts tomorrow… 

So that will be fun. And a lot of work. And, like most writing, feel totally pointless because no one is going to read my stuff until/unless I get published and even then…  (with the exception of friggin @mamodewberry of course because she is an angel and reads everything I write for some reason). But it’s not about people reading stuff, right? Except that’s the whole point of books… I just wish I knew if I was wasting my time or not. 😐

Anyway, back to cleaning and trying not to hurl. Happy Halloweeeen…