It’s the last day of June, but there’s still time to be brave. Here’s a self portrait for Pride Month. :’)
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I can safely say that I felt that way when I was younger. I went through three different stages before I realized I was on the ace spectrum somewhere. 1.) Iām the next virgin Mary. 2.) Iām better than everyone else for being able to keep my head on straight when it comes to sex. 3.) Thereās something wrong with me.Ā
So Iāve had a lot of different feelings about sex and how it relates to others and how I perceived it. Iāve hated sex, Iāve been severely embarrassed by it, Iāve been angry at sex, too. Why is it such a big deal? Why does it make people so stupid? Etc, etc.Ā
Anyway, when I was at my most angry/uncomfortable, I was a bit like Sherlock. Rather, like Jefferson Hope (the cabbie from ASiP).Ā āWhy canāt people just think????ā In my case,Ā āWhy canāt people get their minds out of their pants????ā This wasā¦highschool, I think. Most of highschool.
Iām not sure what changed my mind about it. I think college itself. Learning about new people and new things. Fanfiction helped, too. I had this warped perception that there was aĀ āharmed objectā during sex. I did a research paper on this topic as a senior in college, actually. The language we use to talk about sex is kinda brutal. Bang. Screw. Fuck. Nail. And dirty language (still not a favorite of mine!) seems to make it that much more hurtful. And porn, especially, has a way of making one partner the harmed object. Women, specifically, if thereās a woman involved in porn.Ā
Now, everyone has their thing and thatās fine. But realizing that Iād been viewing sex in thisĀ āharmed objectā mindset my whole life without realizing it made me reconsider what sex was and what it meant to me.Ā
Not everyone has sex the same way. We all like different things. Because theĀ āharmed objectā language is so pervasive in society, it lead me to associate sex with pain subconsciously. Pain and sex for me personally do not go together well. And thatās the problem. Our language is very much one way when there are ALL types of ways to have sex.Ā
Loving, intimate, fun, laughter, tickling, giggling, raspberries, forehead kisses. Hell, licking something tasty and silly off of someoneās belly. Calling someone sweet things and telling them how beautiful they are and how much they mean to you. If I have sex, thatās the kind Iād want. I donāt want to be nailed or screwed, I want to be loved.Ā
This was really really long an winded but! I wanted to reassure you that you arenāt the only one to have problems with sex. Iāve run the gamut as far as how I feel about it. And Iām a virgin. I donāt even have practical experience.Ā
If youāre looking to feel differently about sex, maybe be conscious of what language youāre using when youāre thinking about it, or when others talk about it. Thatās the only personal advice I can give you. Good luck, lovely!