gabapplewrites:

I assume you mean aren’t overwhelming me… haha. Since departing from my day job, I’ve had a lot of time to clean and sleep and work on some other projects. It’s been kind of overwhelming because searching for jobs isn’t very fun, but it’s been nice to have some downtime to really think and, well, figure out how to sleep (which has been my doctor’s #1 concern lately). I think things are getting better. I’ve had a few job interviews, I actually started drawing again earlier this week (and injured my wrist in the process – oops!), and did a ton of agency research tonight (I think I have a dream agency/agent now). 

The end result is an excited and more stable Gab, I think, though this changes from day to day… everything is kind of up in the air, but I’m working on it. Broke, and my desktop is dead, and I sure have bad days, and I’m now sleeping too much, but taking steps in the right direction.

…incidentally, thank you so much for asking. <3 I get so wrapped up in the hanging clouds of doubt and depression that I forget that I actually DO have people out there who care. It’s entirely too easy to forget sometimes, and the occasional reminder is so very, very helpful.

I’ve started work on a secret illustration project to get me back into the groove, and have been thinking about Fishsticks a lot… I think, next week, I’ll take some writing time and leave the house (thanks for lending me your car, mom), find a cafe somewhere, and just work on my ideas. It’s NaNoWriMo, after all, and I haven’t won in a while! 

There are a ton of past-due commissions I need to get taken care of, and I need to start contacting them to make a master list so I can keep working on them… for now, though, that I’m drawing at all is a huge improvement over the past few months…! I feel hopeful. But I think I mentioned that earlier (I took my ambien for the insomnia about 10 minutes ago, so if this post starts losing coherence, that’s why). 

Basically, depression is a pain, but I have been getting help and am working through it. It’s just a slow process of tweaking things here and there, resting, riding out the burnout, rekindling that fire, and relearning my passions…. returning to my roots, as it were. It’s just going to take time. And, thankfully, everyone’s been really understanding thus far. 

We’re still trying to figure out if we can go to FurCon in January or if I should get a refund for my table… in all likelihood, we’ll have to… not only do we not have the funds to, well, pay our basic bills at all, but the travel expenses… AND I don’t really have anything new to offer… It would be so fun to go, but I think we may have to bow out this year. I really need to do a whole new portfolio. Time + Energy is what I need.. alas, bills must be paid…  it’s a tough cycle. 

Anyway… I’m kind of rambling now… but I’ll post one of my recent drawing here just… just in case you’re interested to see it… plus I’m terrible at keeping secrets, and really excited about this project:

Lots of flaws I’m seeing in it now, but overall, I REALLY like a lot of the things I’ve done here… Part of this project is to determine what feels good for me to draw, what I can manage quickly and without a lot of pain, keeping confidence levels high while presenting a ‘polished’ finished product. As I said, there are lots of mistakes here, but I’m getting more and more comfortable with this sort of sketchy/painterly style…. 

I also did this one, which is fun because I really do intend to become an author/illustrator. That is my life goal. And in order to do this, I need to get damned good at both writing and illustrating. So working with some color theory and graphic design stuff etc… whatever.

Also this. It’s a panda campaign, basically. To rediscover what it is I love about art and storytelling etc. 

I have ideas again. I’m excited about trying them. I wish my wrist weren’t on fire so I could get to work on planning my novel. Fortunately, the ambien will have me unconscious in just a few more minutes.

(It was drawing things like this with colored pencil that really messed me up, by the way… I need to stay away from colored pencil. I know I can’t resist tearing my arm up with them but I do it anyway. Markers and watercolors are much safer, and digital is just better for me all around. Sob.)

Anyway, tl;dr, I’ve been studying art and writing, cleaning, sleeping, and otherwise enjoying my “time off” while job hunting in the local area. Assuming we don’t end up sleeping under a bridge come spring, perhaps things will fall into place for the next step in the overall Plan (whatever that is/means). I don’t even know. 

Uhmmm… yes. I am still alive. Still kicking. I get up in the morning. Some days I even feel pretty good. Remembering meds 95% of the time now (which is actually really impressive for me), and when I went to the grocery store earlier, I actually smiled at people and got nods in return. Amazing. 

I think, once I get my art up to snuff, I’ll start converting my portfolio stuff to my ultra secret pen name, but that will… … take a while. So whatever.

Thank you all for your support. I love you!