I can safely say that I felt that way when I was younger. I went through three different stages before I realized I was on the ace spectrum somewhere. 1.) I’m the next virgin Mary. 2.) I’m better than everyone else for being able to keep my head on straight when it comes to sex. 3.) There’s something wrong with me.
So I’ve had a lot of different feelings about sex and how it relates to others and how I perceived it. I’ve hated sex, I’ve been severely embarrassed by it, I’ve been angry at sex, too. Why is it such a big deal? Why does it make people so stupid? Etc, etc.
Anyway, when I was at my most angry/uncomfortable, I was a bit like Sherlock. Rather, like Jefferson Hope (the cabbie from ASiP). “Why can’t people just think????” In my case, “Why can’t people get their minds out of their pants????” This was…highschool, I think. Most of highschool.
I’m not sure what changed my mind about it. I think college itself. Learning about new people and new things. Fanfiction helped, too. I had this warped perception that there was a ‘harmed object’ during sex. I did a research paper on this topic as a senior in college, actually. The language we use to talk about sex is kinda brutal. Bang. Screw. Fuck. Nail. And dirty language (still not a favorite of mine!) seems to make it that much more hurtful. And porn, especially, has a way of making one partner the harmed object. Women, specifically, if there’s a woman involved in porn.
Now, everyone has their thing and that’s fine. But realizing that I’d been viewing sex in this ‘harmed object’ mindset my whole life without realizing it made me reconsider what sex was and what it meant to me.
Not everyone has sex the same way. We all like different things. Because the ‘harmed object’ language is so pervasive in society, it lead me to associate sex with pain subconsciously. Pain and sex for me personally do not go together well. And that’s the problem. Our language is very much one way when there are ALL types of ways to have sex.
Loving, intimate, fun, laughter, tickling, giggling, raspberries, forehead kisses. Hell, licking something tasty and silly off of someone’s belly. Calling someone sweet things and telling them how beautiful they are and how much they mean to you. If I have sex, that’s the kind I’d want. I don’t want to be nailed or screwed, I want to be loved.
This was really really long an winded but! I wanted to reassure you that you aren’t the only one to have problems with sex. I’ve run the gamut as far as how I feel about it. And I’m a virgin. I don’t even have practical experience.
If you’re looking to feel differently about sex, maybe be conscious of what language you’re using when you’re thinking about it, or when others talk about it. That’s the only personal advice I can give you. Good luck, lovely!