{"id":3057,"date":"2014-09-23T07:34:00","date_gmt":"2014-09-23T07:34:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/archive.gabapple.com\/tumblr\/whiteknighthakuba\/index.php\/2014\/09\/23\/a-challenge-for-hattori-heiji\/"},"modified":"2014-09-23T07:34:00","modified_gmt":"2014-09-23T07:34:00","slug":"a-challenge-for-hattori-heiji","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/archive.gabapple.com\/tumblr\/whiteknighthakuba\/index.php\/2014\/09\/23\/a-challenge-for-hattori-heiji\/","title":{"rendered":"A CHALLENGE FOR HATTORI HEIJI"},"content":{"rendered":"

Once upon a time (earlier today), meitanteiosaka<\/a>’s mun and I discussed an AU in which Hakuba was a shape-shifting gryphon\/detective, tasked with the honor of going to Japan to slay the evil demon known as Spider. While there, he met Heiji, a shape-shifting tiger\/detective beastie. The Koushien went as well as could be expected (just like the show, only with more being at each other’s throats), and the end result was a heck of a lot of residual anger and a serious need to posture.\u00a0<\/p>\n

Thus, months later, Hakuba finally decides to challenge Heiji to a BATTLE. Over text messages, no less. The following is the hypothetical transcript of the transpiring challenge:\u00a0<\/p>\n

–<\/p>\n

\n

Hakuba:<\/strong> [text] I am coming to visit.
Heiji:<\/strong> [text] who is this
Hakuba:<\/strong> [text] The REAL Detective of the WEST<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

pause<\/p>\n

\n

Heiji:<\/strong> [text] who
Hakuba:<\/strong> [text] HAKUBA SAGURU
Heiji:<\/strong> [text] FUCK YA YER NOT TH’ REAL DETECTIVE OF TH’ WEST
Hakuba:<\/strong> [text] YES I AM AND YOU CANNOT CONTEST THAT GEOGRAPHICALLY
Heiji:<\/strong> [text] KANSAI IS WESTERN JAPAN, ASSHOLE
Hakuba:<\/strong> [text] YES BUT I AM REFERRING TO THE GREATER WEST – I RULE ALL OF EUROPE
Heiji:<\/strong> [text] seriously doubt that. ya couldn’t rule a small house
Hakuba:<\/strong> [text] Oh just you wait, Hattori Heiji…. JUST YOU WAIT.
Heiji:<\/strong> [text] why’re ya comin’ here
Hakuba:<\/strong> [text] TO DEFEAT YOU IN BATTLE
Heiji:<\/strong> [text] bring it. yer gonna lose, just so ya know
Hakuba:<\/strong> [text] I SINCERELY DOUBT THAT, TORA-CHAN
Heiji:<\/strong> [text] DROP TH’ CHAN, PRICK
Hakuba:<\/strong> [text] TO-RA-CHA-N
Heiji:<\/strong> [text] UNGODLY UNION OF A BIRD AN’ HOUSECAT
Hakuba:<\/strong> [text] YOU WILL EAT THOSE WORDS YOU USELESS TABBY
Heiji:<\/strong> [text] I’LL FEED YA YER OWN TAIL
Hakuba:<\/strong> [text] I’LL TURN YOU TO BUTTER FOR MY PANCAKES<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

Heiji has to pause on that one because what?
seriously what?<\/p>\n

Hakuba looks to Kaito<\/p>\n

Hakuba:<\/strong> I think the challenging is going well~ he seems game to fight
Kaito:<\/strong> that’s…..good?
Hakuba:<\/strong> very successful banter indeed~<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

\n

Heiji:<\/strong> [text] I’LL TURN YA INTA GLUE
Hakuba:<\/strong> [text] YOU’LL MAKE AN EXCELLENT THROW RUG FOR THE GARAGE
Heiji:<\/strong> [text] I’LL MOUNT YER HEAD IN MY OFFICE
Hakuba:<\/strong> [text] THAT WOULD BE THE ONLY WAY YOU’D EVER GET TO MOUNT ANYTHING
Heiji:<\/strong> [text] AN’ YET YA’D STILL BE TH’ ONE GETTIN’ MOUNTED<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

Hakuba GASPS at his phone<\/p>\n

Kaito:<\/strong> were you slighted?
not looking up from his homework
Hakuba:<\/strong> !!!!! HE IS ….. ..!!!!! SUCH A BRUTE
Kaito:<\/strong> you’re both acting like kids
Hakuba:<\/strong> I AM GOING TO DESTROY HIM
Kaito:<\/strong> yeah, kind of a problem with that<\/p>\n

\n

Hakuba:<\/strong> [text] YOU ONLY WISH YOU COULD BE SO FORTUNATE TO HAVE SOMETHING AS GLORIOUS AS MYSELF<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

Hakuba:<\/strong> I won’t really KILL him just… teach him a LESSON
Kaito:<\/strong> you’re still a detective. upholder of the law. you shouldn’t be getting into fights just \/because\/
Hakuba:<\/strong> It’s not \/\/\/\/just because\/\/\/\/, it’s for HONOUR
Hakuba:<\/strong> HE INSULTED ME<\/p>\n

\n

Heiji:<\/strong> [text] mighty big ego ya got there. I’d prolly just use ya as a paperweight<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

Kaito:<\/strong> and I’m sure you’re insulting him right back
Hakuba:<\/strong> well of course, but at least I’m not doing it in front of OTHER DETECTIVES<\/p>\n

\n

Hakuba:<\/strong> [text] We’ll see about that, HATTORI HEIJI. BE PREPARED FOR BATTLE THIS WEEKEND.
Heiji:<\/strong> [text] OH I WILL<\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

Kaito:<\/strong> yeah. just regular citizens
Hakuba:<\/strong> no, I’m doing it over text\u00a0
Hakuba:<\/strong> you see, over the phone, only he is privy to the messages<\/p>\n

\n

Heiji:<\/strong> [text] WASH YER PRETTY LI’L NECK, HAKUBA, ‘CAUSE I’M GONNA RIP THOSE FEATHERS FROM YER ASS
Hakuba:<\/strong> [text] I think that you may also need to rethink your plan of dropping out of school; your understanding of anatomy could use some work.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

pause<\/p>\n

\n

Heiji:<\/strong> [text] yer ignorance of common phrases astounds me
Hakuba:<\/strong> [text] you do recall that I’m a european gryphon, yes? or do you need to work on your geography as well?
Heiji:<\/strong> [text] yer still half Japanese. thought ya’d at least know some of yer heritage
Hakuba:<\/strong> [text] Perhaps I’ll think about residency here to do just that after I have defeated you
Heiji:<\/strong> [text] ya WISH
Hakuba:<\/strong> [text] I don’t need wishes; I forge my own destiny. I look forward to destroying yours.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

Hakuba:<\/strong> Kuroba
Kaito:<\/strong> ye~s?
Hakuba:<\/strong> if someone says to wash your pretty little neck, are they referring to washing your neck before being beheaded?
Kaito:<\/strong> yep
Hakuba:<\/strong> And is that related to execution or the slaughtering of a chicken?
Kaito:<\/strong> uh, execution
Hakuba:<\/strong> Ah. All right, then.<\/p>\n

\n

Heiji:<\/strong> [text] yanno I’d say yer ego’s bigger than yer dick, but that ain’t difficult ta do<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

Hakuba:<\/strong> ….Kuroba
Kaito:<\/strong> hm?
Hakuba:<\/strong> it is generally ill-advised to send photos of one’s genitalia to your adversaries in this country, is it not?
Kaito:<\/strong> …..yes. yes it is. please tell me that it’s not like that in England
Hakuba:<\/strong> no, it’s thought of as quite childish there, as well
Kaito:<\/strong> are you guys seriously insulting each other’s….?
Hakuba:<\/strong> HE JUST DID
Hakuba:<\/strong> DO YOU SEE WHY I NEED TO DEFEAT HIM?!
Kaito:<\/strong> I see why you both need to stop fighting
Hakuba:<\/strong> and pray tell why is that
Kaito:<\/strong> because you are \/children\/
<\/span>Hakuba:<\/strong> well, technically, yes
Kaito:<\/strong> fine
Kaito:<\/strong> you know what
Kaito:<\/strong> go have your fight. I’m going to be grabbing a crepe or something in the meantime<\/p>\n

\n

Heiji:<\/strong>\u00a0[text] betcha don’t even got th’ balls ta come ta Osaka, pretty bird~
Hakuba:<\/strong> [text] I’ve already booked the hotel, tora-chan.
Hakuba:<\/strong> [text] you may want to be careful when speaking of anatomical comparison; after all, the national average for your country doesn’t afford much hope for you~<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

Heiji’s going ‘FUCK’<\/p>\n

\n

Heiji:<\/strong> [text] are ya sayin’ ya’d like ta show me yers? sorry Hakuba, but I ain’t interested
Hakuba:<\/strong> [text] you were the one who brought it up, RIVAL HATTORI HEIJI! But no, you are not worthy, anyway.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

Hakuba:<\/strong> he’s so crude
<\/span>Hakuba:<\/strong> I surely must defeat him
Kaito:<\/strong> you keep telling yourself that
Hakuba:<\/strong> he keeps talking about his…!\u00a0
Kaito:<\/strong> mmhm
Hakuba:<\/strong> disgusting, honestly<\/p>\n

Kaito’s only half-listening
Hakuba looks at his phone in despair
Heiji isn’t responding,\u00a0he’s calling Shinichi to COMPLAIN LOUDLY<\/p>\n

\n
\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Once upon a time (earlier today), meitanteiosaka’s mun and I discussed an AU in which Hakuba was a shape-shifting gryphon\/detective, tasked with the honor of going to Japan to slay the evil demon known as Spider. While there, he met Heiji, a shape-shifting tiger\/detective beastie. The Koushien went as well as could be expected (just […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[2265,413,2262,2267,21,2261,1069,421,2260,1086,556,2266,1991,2264,1472,2263],"class_list":["post-3057","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-incidentally-heiji-does-win-the-fight","tag-chat","tag-gryphonba","tag-hahahaha-omg","tag-hakuba","tag-hakuba-gryphon-au","tag-hakuba-vs-heiji","tag-heiji","tag-heiji-vs-hakuba","tag-language","tag-meitanteiosaka","tag-poor-hakuba-gryphon","tag-skype","tag-special-guest-kaito","tag-texts","tag-transcript"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/archive.gabapple.com\/tumblr\/whiteknighthakuba\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3057","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/archive.gabapple.com\/tumblr\/whiteknighthakuba\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/archive.gabapple.com\/tumblr\/whiteknighthakuba\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/archive.gabapple.com\/tumblr\/whiteknighthakuba\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/archive.gabapple.com\/tumblr\/whiteknighthakuba\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3057"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/archive.gabapple.com\/tumblr\/whiteknighthakuba\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3057\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/archive.gabapple.com\/tumblr\/whiteknighthakuba\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3057"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/archive.gabapple.com\/tumblr\/whiteknighthakuba\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3057"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/archive.gabapple.com\/tumblr\/whiteknighthakuba\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3057"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}