dear-indies:

I want to take a minute to talk about a serious issue in the RPing community.  It’s an issue that many I don’t think even realize exists. Abusive online relationships. They do happen in the rping community and there are several signs to show when someone might be one you want to look out for. It is a personal issue close to my heart as I know several people who have dealt with it, myself included.

So to try to help those in the future and to keep people wary of those types of people I have made a list of warning signs that you may see in those people who often turn out to be abusive.

First thing is first, not all abuse is physical. So that doesn’t mean that abuse can’t happen in an online setting. There is also emotional abuse and it can be just as damaging to an individual. It is often a form of cyberbullying and it is something that I think needs to be addressed.

So I have compiled a list of warning signs, things that these people often do that you should look out for.

          1.      Telling you that you can only RP with them, or only with their character. Or generally telling you not to RP with someone.

This would be a sign of them being too possessive. Not willing to let you do what you want with your account. Generally RPing is supposed to be fun and about what you want. If you want to have only one of each character or only a few RP partners, that is up to you. But you should never let someone tell you who to RP with or who you can’t RP with. It is not up to them and don’t let them think it is.

          2.      Getting mad or upset with you for not answering them right away or getting upset that you are replying to others and not them.

It’s your character and your account. That is something you should always remember. If your character wants to focus on one or two people. That’s okay. Nobody should make you feel bad for not being able to reply to them at the time for any reason. Whether it is being busy with life or just not feeling up to replying to those threads. Most people will understand and usually don’t pressure you. It’s a bad sign if someone does.

          3.      Being told on a regular basis through messages and in public posts that nobody cares and that everyone in the end always leaves or something along those lines

It is often a sign of someone trying to guilt people into staying or doing things with them. Often times it doesn’t matter if that person receives lots of love or has a lot of threads. They will still make it known that they are feeling upset and that nobody cares. They want people to feel guilty if they think about leaving and it is usually a bad sign. Though some people may make a post like that every once in a while. If you are seeing it often or being constantly reminded personally then be cautious. It is a tactic to guilt people into staying.

          4.      Being threatened or told that if you leave or don’t/do something that they will delete, harm themselves, or something similar.

Another tactic to guilt you into staying. They want you to think that you leaving or doing something they don’t like will harm them, sometimes in physical ways and it is a way to manipulate you into doing what they want. Most of the time they are not being serious and it is a sign that they themselves need help.  Help that you will not be able to provide to them no matter how much you may want to.

          5.      Telling you that you are not any good or that you stopped being good after doing something they told you not to.

They want you to think that you are not good enough to find other RP partners. Bringing you down and making you feel miserable because they are is a tactic often used by these types of people. If you don’t think you are any good then you won’t go seeking other partners for fear that they will think that as well. This is an especially damaging tactic and can cause you to feel worthless and unwanted even after a person is gone.

          6.      Getting yelled at, being attacked, or them being mean for what appears to be no real reason, then a while later apologizing. This will likely happen over and over again.

Most of the time there might not be a real reason for it. Something as simple as you talking to someone they don’t like or you not sending them enough memes or replying. They end up being mean and outright yelling at times. Then they apologize and you might think that you should give them another chance, maybe they changed, and maybe it won’t happen again. But it usually does. Many times and if it continuously happens, there is a point where you need to ask yourself is it really worth it. Because in the end, it is not anything you have done wrong and you don’t need to let yourself be attacked just because they apologize after. One of the biggest signs of abuse.

          7.      Getting annoyed with you for RPing the way you do. (whether it is because you RP with a lot of people or only a few)

If they get mad at you for you RPing how you want to, it is usually a good sign that you should steer clear of them. People like this will try to give you the idea that you are wrong and that you shouldn’t do that. In the end you RP how you want and there is no wrong way to do it. Whether you want to stick to only a few threads or you want 200 and like plotting for more. It’s about what you like. And those that enjoy RPing with you, will be patient and stick with you no matter how you want to do it.

          8.      Being attacked or called names for RPing with other people, and/or attacking your RP partners for RPing with you.

If someone outright attacks you are starts calling you names simply because you RP with others. That is a clear sign that you should avoid that person. This is supposed to be fun and there is no need to be rude to you or others for how you RP. It is especially a red flag if they also attack your RP partners. That means they are being far too possessive and avoiding and blocking would probably be the best idea in that instance.

          9.      (An, its gone too far sign) They make you overly anxious every time you see them or feeling as if you are going to panic if they message you.

If it has gotten so bad that their very presence makes you a big ball of stress or have an anxiety attack, dropping them would be the best option. Nobody should make you feel stressed and anxious when on. If the idea of them messaging you, because you are afraid of what it might say, gives you extreme anxiety. That is the time to drop, block, and do not interact or look for them in any way. It is not okay for someone to cause this.

In general, RPing is supposed to be about fun, you enjoying RPing as your muse and doing what you like to do. It is never going to be okay for others to make you think you are doing it wrong. In the end, there is no wrong way to RP. So don’t let anyone make you think that there is. If someone doesn’t like the way you RP then it is best for them to find someone else. And you should never feel bad if you think you need to drop a RP partner because they are causing you anxiety or anything of the sort. If a RP partner is causing you stress, avoid them. Stress is bad enough in real life, there is no need for people to add to it in RP.

The people that do this, honestly, might not even realize they are being abusive to someone. Maybe they have had their own issues in life and it has molded them into the way they are, but in the end, they need help, but not from you. And there is no way you are going to be able to help them. In the end, they need to realize it themselves and seek help.

These kinds of situations can have long lasting effects on the person who has dealt with it, lingering anxiety or depression, being self-conscious about everything they do, feeling they are not good enough, wanting to avoid their RP account. This is not okay and for those who suffer these issues, you are not alone. Sometimes talking about it can help, whether with a fellow RP partner you trust, or seeking out a friend in real life. Don’t keep it to yourself, because it can make the feelings worse. And even if there are those abusive RP partners out there, there are also those that are very caring and will be willing to listen.

So keep the warning signs in mind and don’t let someone treat you like this. It’s about fun not about them.