smokebombsandmirrors:

Kaito let out a quiet short laugh that began like a sigh and rested his head onto their hands. “How could I forget?”

Hakuba closed his eyes again, able to breathe a little easier as that laugh had broken the tension. Thank god! His smile fell into place, no longer forced, and he managed a chuckle of his own. “The whiskey, perhaps.”

After squeezing his hand, he shifted positions again, pulling his legs out to settle directly on the floor. Hakuba never could kneel like that for long, not when he could help it. At least he was wearing jeans instead of dress slacks. 

“But try not to fret; you didn’t give too much away…" 

smokebombsandmirrors:

Kaito stilled when he sensed Hakuba approach. So many scenarios ran through his mind and some if not all ended in the other leaving. Slowly he raise his head, eyes wet with unshed tears and cheeks flushed in the lack of oxygen to his head from squeezing his legs to his chest. He noticed the outstretched hand and timidly took.

Hope was a bitch that just kept coming back.

He scooted closer once he had Kaito’s hand, shifting so that he could hold it a little more comfortably, though his eyes never left his face. There was still so much stirring beneath the surface for them both, and he knew it. But there was time. That fact was cemented in him then; he would make time. Somehow. Whether that meant staying or making their remaining time as productive as possible, he wasn’t certain, but it was time to meet the inevitable head-on. 

Finally.

“It’s all right, Kuroba-kun,” Hakuba said, voice soft as he switched back to Japanese, accent present, but fading quickly. With it came a small, but hopeful, smile. “I’m annoyingly persistent, remember?”

smokebombsandmirrors:

Kaito slowly looked up and watched him. As his breathe caught on a sob he crumpled in on himself and dropped to the ground in a ball. “There … I was so sure ….you …..”

Wrapping his arms around his legs he laid his eyes on his knees and rocked. He still couldn’t believe this. This was all a dream. Some lovely, twisted messed up dream and he was pass out in some alley way. Gods knows that it wouldn’t be the first time something like this had happened.

The detective stood still, tension in his shoulders leaving with a quiet sigh as he watched the display of vulnerability. It hurt to see him like this. It killed him to see that strong, vibrant person cave under the weight of everything. All of that truth that he’d known, right there before him; subtext and inference in sudden, concrete detail. 

Hakuba watched him for a moment, aching, and slipped the watch back into his pocket. For all of the talk of having wanted to bring the criminal to his knees oh so long ago, he hated to see it now. 

He crossed the room in silence and, with careful movements he’d had to learn in preparation for his return to Japan- days before meeting Kuroba for the first time -he lowered himself to the ground and knelt in front of him. Dipping his head in a bow appropriate to their familiarity, Hakuba held himself still, counting with his eyes closed, then slowly sat back on his heels.

There was nothing to say as he reached a hand for one of Kaito’s.

smokebombsandmirrors:

He leaped at the sudden movement and ran to the opposite wall. “I’m sorry, Hakuba. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean for it ….I just…..” He buried his face into his hands and shook. “I’m sorry. Look I can understand If you’re disgusted or weird-out by this. I just ….” His back hit the wall. 

There was nothing he could do but apologize. Gods he was stupid. Confessing like that. ADMITTING that! He just destroyed that last little lifeline he had left with the detective. What was he supposed to do now?

“N-no… No I…” Hakuba shook his head, faltering from Kaito’s retreat, though he managed to, somehow, keep upright. “I’m not… I mean, I…" 

It was frustrating to feel so much and not be able to express it. He ran a hand through his hair, furious with himself and the situation, agonizing over every second lost, and looked up to the ceiling just pleading for a moment to breathe. 

The pocket watch. His fingers twitched, slipping into his pocket to retrieve the watch, which he fumbled, caressing, flipping it open to count. There wasn’t time for the whole ritual. He didn’t even look at the watch, just counted in his head. Deep breath. Slow exhale. 

He didn’t dare approach, much as he wanted to, his own feelings too raw, his fear of scaring Kuroba off too near.

When he continued, Hakuba spoke in English. Proper. Earnest.

"Please don’t misunderstand me, Kuroba.” He paused. “Kaito. I’m not disgusted, just terribly confused. It’s difficult to take in all at once. But, for all that’s been said…”  Hakuba said, hesitating, though he did all that he could to keep his voice steady. 

“I’ve not changed my opinion whatsoever: I can’t lose you, either.”

smokebombsandmirrors:

“Hmmmmm beside you knowing almost everything about me and probably having twenty-some odd files based on KID you’re making this difficult to say something you don’t know.” Kaito smirked and stretched his legs out as well. Ankles brushed against the detective’s leg and he hooked his hands behind his head. 

“Something you don’t know. The assassin’s who are after me belong to a group call the Organization, Snake is the leader of the group and I despise every fiber of his pathetic being. I got shot by one of his lackeys at the heist last night and I’m praying to the GODS that he hasn’t committed suicide by cyanide molar.” He took a moment to collect himself and force down the memories of Jii. “I have about twelve different assistants who work with me at random heists. They are never together at the heists and I can’t tell you who they are because I respect their privacy and decision to support me and I’d lay down my life to protect them. I also have a give take relationship with one, Kudo Shinichi.” He smiled. He had some ‘fond’ memories of the detective.

“I’m an active member in the Underground criminal network and go to gatherings to find information about different targets whether they enter Japan legally or by other means. It also where I can buy most of my equipment supplies in bulk with out arising suspension. I have also had a very HEALTHY and active sexual life from which I know I have no children. If I did I’d keep them and be the father I never had.”

“My father …. was murdered by someone in that organization. By whom I don’t know but if I find out I’m not sure I won’t be able to hold myself back in killing them.” He shifted and covered his eyes. “I hate them, Hakuba, I hate them SO much.”

He laughed bitterly. “I have also never been in love. True I love my mother and I love Jii. I love Aoko like a sister but in love with someone … I don’t even I want to. I’d be so scared to lose them. I can’t lose them.”

He leaned over and sighed. He was tired. So tired of everything. “I can’t lose you.” He whispered lightly then exploded with emotion. Leaping in his seat he stared horrified at the wall. Pain and anguish crossed his face as he buried it in an attempt to hide. He brought his legs up to his face and curled in to a small ball. Everything was to keep those words from escaping into the room. 

There was so much. Too much. 

Overwhelmed, Hakuba listened in silence. He had responses for most of the information, even the more shocking revelations, but the words didn’t come. Wouldn’t come. Not until Kuroba was finished. Which was exceptionally difficult for him. Canned speeches pulled at his mind like sighthounds at the end of their leash, rabbit on the run, straining and whining to be released. 

Kudou Shinichi. What did he have to do with Kid aside from the heist with the bloody clocktower that he’d missed? Just how close were they? Give and take relationship? 

Twelve assistants – far more than he’d expected, but it made sense. He wouldn’t press for their identities, though he felt a twinge of jealousy. Kuroba wasn’t exactly alone in this, was he? Not like the detective was. No, that was ridiculous; they were colleagues at best. He knew that sort of relationship well.

Underground criminal network? No surprise there. 

…healthy, active sex life. Uh. Hakuba felt the heat rise in his cheeks and kept his gaze focused squarely on the table in front of him, eyes widening. Not that he could talk; he’d had his suspicions about Kuroba and the way that he acted, the way he’d been so confident about certain things, but even so… He wish he hadn’t known, even if it made some things easier. It also, clearly, didn’t involve Nakamori Aoko. 

All at once, he was far too aware of the other teenager’s contact with his leg, and he found himself completely unable to decide how he felt about it. 

Still reeling, the blond almost missed the part about wanting Kaito wanting to murder someone. Someones. He blinked, glancing up at him, and regretted it the moment Kaito moved on to the next piece of information. 

I have also never been in love.

What did that mean? He wasn’t in love. That meant he wasn’t in love with him. It hurt. God it hurt. For so many reasons. But then… But then…? 

I don’t even I want to.
I’d be so scared to lose them.
I can’t lose them.

…I can’t lose you.

Hakuba shook his head, suddenly sucking in a breath at Kaito’s reaction, the movement, the sound, everything. He pushed back from the table, toppling the chair and sending it clattering to the floor. Then he stared. Frozen. Heart pounding. Trying to breathe. Dizzy, light-headed. So much information. So many emotions. So much of everything all at once, and coupled with the night before, coupled with the last time he was there, in that very same kitchen, with the scent of that very same goddamned tea…! 

But he had to say something. Had to fill the silence. Had to react. And not by nearly flipping the table. He couldn’t keep standing there, shocked and startled and all together more like a deer in headlights than the proud and confident stag he was purported to be. Say something, you bloody git! 

“I- ah… I…” Hakuba glanced around himself, eyes darting in panic as he struggled to summon any words that might be able to convey something of how he was feeling, even though he didn’t have a ruddy clue, himself.

“Just… just what are you trying to say, Kuroba-kun?” He gulped. “Y-you can’t be serious… I know what you said last night, but…”  

smokebombsandmirrors:

Right, back burner. Kaito forced himself to keep a good poker face just to hide the squirming pain. “Ah, right, if your in the country …. forgot that you…..”

He shook his head and kept his voice light. “Come on we better eat before it gets cold.”

He reached for the tea and watched his hands shake. Horrified with him self he clenched his teeth and picked them up along with the plates and silver wear. He set the plates down and rested his hands on the table.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t-won’t bring KID up anymore. That’s not … what I wanted.” he sighed.

“No, it’s… it’s all right. I know that we should likely discuss it at some point, assuming that you’re open to it…”  Hakuba watched him, fighting his own pain at seeing the other tremble. After having observed him for so long, there were so many tells that he’d become accustomed to. It never got easier, though. “I mean, I don’t want to accidentally compromise you or anything like that…”

Was this really helping their situation, though? Hakuba pulled back the chair, attempting to do so in a way that wouldn’t scrape it too loudly, and winced. 

“Incidentally, I still haven’t decided… Just so you know.”

smokebombsandmirrors:

Him glanced over his shoulder at the mention of Hakuba forcing him to go the hospital much less anything and snorted.

“I’d like to see you try~”

He took up a spatula and removed the lid he had used to cover the pan to keep there food semi warm. After he transfered them on to plates he set one one the counter near Hakuba and began a small clean up. Moving the pan and the bowl he had used to beat the eggs in to the sink and the navy blue apron to the hook near the pantry. Rooting through a draw the produced two forks and set that near the others plate as well.

Finally he looked back to the detective and offered an easy smile. He was flattered, true the compliment was just a tad bit unnatural to hear from the source but it did something funny to his stomach to hear. As he pour the hot water into the china or the tea he chirped. 

“Thank you, I’m glad you enjoyed the show and I hope you may participate in the next in one?” He finished with just a more hope in his voice than he wold have liked to show but he had already stamped most of it down.

“Ah…”  Right, the heists. Hakuba bit his lip as he recalled the previous night and how difficult it was, warring with himself on whether or not he should attend. He let his gaze wander to Kaito’s hands, watching him as he set everything out, and let his breath out slowly. “I… suppose that depends on when it is, really. I ah…" 

It was difficult to discuss, even now. They’d left so much unsaid the last time they were together, the night before notwithstanding. He set a hand on the back of one of the chairs, hesitating. Kuroba was Kid. It was fact. It was acknowledged by them both. Hakuba wasn’t going to arrest him. That, too – fact. And… he’d kissed him. Kuroba had said he’d needed him, kissed his cheek, that he was precious, that he’d liked him for a very long time.

But how much did he dare hold the other accountable for? 

Flushed again, Hakuba continued with an awkward shrug. "As I said last night, it’s just that my priorities have changed. If I’m still in the country… I’ll attend and, ah, I will think about participating. As long as it’s safe to.”

smokebombsandmirrors:

Now that he had said something Kaito calculated where he was. “Surprisingly, I feel great. My leg twinges a bit so that means I won’t be able to stretch the way I need to but other than that I feel like I’ve just had the best sleep in my well since I started my heist.”

He was also failing to mention that this had been this first night in what seemed like forever that he made it through with out a nightmare chasing his heels. 

“Oh, that’s… that’s good, then! Perhaps I’ve done an all right job and you can avoid the hospital after all. Somehow, I can’t see you being keen on the idea, though I would have likely forced you to go if it had been serious.”  Hakuba filled the air with nervous chatter, coming into the kitchen that felt all too familiar from the other day. 

…the other day when he’d come for advice, had confirmed the truth, and had left with that coveted prize. So much had happened since then, yet it felt like there’d been no progress at all. 

“The… the, ah, fireworks were a good move, incidentally. Very flashy. Good show.”

smokebombsandmirrors:

Kaito tossed his head back and laughed. Deep and husky. Winking at the detective he relaxed. “I was just teasing, Hakuba. I really appreciate you going out of your way to help me. You really didn’t have to.”

 Now that he had successfully manage to settle himself a little he got  good look at Hakuba. At first it was just a quick glance, something that he always did but after seeing what he was wearing he took another look. He couldn’t remember if he had ever seen the detective in anything other than their high school uniform or a suit. He looked … Kaito coughed awkwardly. He had been staring just a little to long. 

“Ah, come on, breakfast is here.” He squeaked and moved to towards the kitchen; ears burning.

Despite all of the fame and interviews and public speaking that Hakuba had to do, it was difficult for him to have so much attention one-on-one. The detective, running a hand through his hair, looked away the longer Kaito stared, and cleared his throat with a little cough. He wanted to respond about his coming over, but thoughts interrupted, he just stammered and followed after.

“Ah, right… breakfast… ah, how do you feel, incidentally? Tired? Leg aching? I’ve some pain medication, now that the alcohol’s likely run its course…"