Once upon a time (earlier today), meitanteiosaka’s mun and I discussed an AU in which Hakuba was a shape-shifting gryphon/detective, tasked with the honor of going to Japan to slay the evil demon known as Spider. While there, he met Heiji, a shape-shifting tiger/detective beastie. The Koushien went as well as could be expected (just like the show, only with more being at each other’s throats), and the end result was a heck of a lot of residual anger and a serious need to posture. 

Thus, months later, Hakuba finally decides to challenge Heiji to a BATTLE. Over text messages, no less. The following is the hypothetical transcript of the transpiring challenge: 

–

Hakuba: [text] I am coming to visit.
Heiji: [text] who is this
Hakuba: [text] The REAL Detective of the WEST

pause

Heiji: [text] who
Hakuba: [text] HAKUBA SAGURU
Heiji: [text] FUCK YA YER NOT TH’ REAL DETECTIVE OF TH’ WEST
Hakuba: [text] YES I AM AND YOU CANNOT CONTEST THAT GEOGRAPHICALLY
Heiji: [text] KANSAI IS WESTERN JAPAN, ASSHOLE
Hakuba: [text] YES BUT I AM REFERRING TO THE GREATER WEST – I RULE ALL OF EUROPE
Heiji: [text] seriously doubt that. ya couldn’t rule a small house
Hakuba: [text] Oh just you wait, Hattori Heiji…. JUST YOU WAIT.
Heiji: [text] why’re ya comin’ here
Hakuba: [text] TO DEFEAT YOU IN BATTLE
Heiji: [text] bring it. yer gonna lose, just so ya know
Hakuba: [text] I SINCERELY DOUBT THAT, TORA-CHAN
Heiji: [text] DROP TH’ CHAN, PRICK
Hakuba: [text] TO-RA-CHA-N
Heiji: [text] UNGODLY UNION OF A BIRD AN’ HOUSECAT
Hakuba: [text] YOU WILL EAT THOSE WORDS YOU USELESS TABBY
Heiji: [text] I’LL FEED YA YER OWN TAIL
Hakuba: [text] I’LL TURN YOU TO BUTTER FOR MY PANCAKES

Heiji has to pause on that one because what?
seriously what?

Hakuba looks to Kaito

Hakuba: I think the challenging is going well~ he seems game to fight
Kaito: that’s…..good?
Hakuba: very successful banter indeed~

Heiji: [text] I’LL TURN YA INTA GLUE
Hakuba: [text] YOU’LL MAKE AN EXCELLENT THROW RUG FOR THE GARAGE
Heiji: [text] I’LL MOUNT YER HEAD IN MY OFFICE
Hakuba: [text] THAT WOULD BE THE ONLY WAY YOU’D EVER GET TO MOUNT ANYTHING
Heiji: [text] AN’ YET YA’D STILL BE TH’ ONE GETTIN’ MOUNTED

Hakuba GASPS at his phone

Kaito: were you slighted?
not looking up from his homework
Hakuba: !!!!! HE IS ….. ..!!!!! SUCH A BRUTE
Kaito: you’re both acting like kids
Hakuba: I AM GOING TO DESTROY HIM
Kaito: yeah, kind of a problem with that

Hakuba: [text] YOU ONLY WISH YOU COULD BE SO FORTUNATE TO HAVE SOMETHING AS GLORIOUS AS MYSELF

Hakuba: I won’t really KILL him just… teach him a LESSON
Kaito: you’re still a detective. upholder of the law. you shouldn’t be getting into fights just /because/
Hakuba: It’s not ////just because////, it’s for HONOUR
Hakuba: HE INSULTED ME

Heiji: [text] mighty big ego ya got there. I’d prolly just use ya as a paperweight

Kaito: and I’m sure you’re insulting him right back
Hakuba: well of course, but at least I’m not doing it in front of OTHER DETECTIVES

Hakuba: [text] We’ll see about that, HATTORI HEIJI. BE PREPARED FOR BATTLE THIS WEEKEND.
Heiji: [text] OH I WILL

Kaito: yeah. just regular citizens
Hakuba: no, I’m doing it over text 
Hakuba: you see, over the phone, only he is privy to the messages

Heiji: [text] WASH YER PRETTY LI’L NECK, HAKUBA, ‘CAUSE I’M GONNA RIP THOSE FEATHERS FROM YER ASS
Hakuba: [text] I think that you may also need to rethink your plan of dropping out of school; your understanding of anatomy could use some work.

pause

Heiji: [text] yer ignorance of common phrases astounds me
Hakuba: [text] you do recall that I’m a european gryphon, yes? or do you need to work on your geography as well?
Heiji: [text] yer still half Japanese. thought ya’d at least know some of yer heritage
Hakuba: [text] Perhaps I’ll think about residency here to do just that after I have defeated you
Heiji: [text] ya WISH
Hakuba: [text] I don’t need wishes; I forge my own destiny. I look forward to destroying yours.

Hakuba: Kuroba
Kaito: ye~s?
Hakuba: if someone says to wash your pretty little neck, are they referring to washing your neck before being beheaded?
Kaito: yep
Hakuba: And is that related to execution or the slaughtering of a chicken?
Kaito: uh, execution
Hakuba: Ah. All right, then.

Heiji: [text] yanno I’d say yer ego’s bigger than yer dick, but that ain’t difficult ta do

Hakuba: ….Kuroba
Kaito: hm?
Hakuba: it is generally ill-advised to send photos of one’s genitalia to your adversaries in this country, is it not?
Kaito: …..yes. yes it is. please tell me that it’s not like that in England
Hakuba: no, it’s thought of as quite childish there, as well
Kaito: are you guys seriously insulting each other’s….?
Hakuba: HE JUST DID
Hakuba: DO YOU SEE WHY I NEED TO DEFEAT HIM?!
Kaito: I see why you both need to stop fighting
Hakuba: and pray tell why is that
Kaito: because you are /children/
Hakuba: well, technically, yes
Kaito: fine
Kaito: you know what
Kaito: go have your fight. I’m going to be grabbing a crepe or something in the meantime

Heiji: [text] betcha don’t even got th’ balls ta come ta Osaka, pretty bird~
Hakuba: [text] I’ve already booked the hotel, tora-chan.
Hakuba: [text] you may want to be careful when speaking of anatomical comparison; after all, the national average for your country doesn’t afford much hope for you~

Heiji’s going ‘FUCK’

Heiji: [text] are ya sayin’ ya’d like ta show me yers? sorry Hakuba, but I ain’t interested
Hakuba: [text] you were the one who brought it up, RIVAL HATTORI HEIJI! But no, you are not worthy, anyway.

Hakuba: he’s so crude
Hakuba: I surely must defeat him
Kaito: you keep telling yourself that
Hakuba: he keeps talking about his…! 
Kaito: mmhm
Hakuba: disgusting, honestly

Kaito’s only half-listening
Hakuba looks at his phone in despair
Heiji isn’t responding, he’s calling Shinichi to COMPLAIN LOUDLY