Tag Archives: hakuba vs heiji

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osakandetective:

whiteknighthakuba replied to your post:“So, I might have gotten a bit reckless due to…

As Hakuba shakes his head. “Violence, of /course/… proving my point as usual…”

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"Listen here ya emotionally stunned Brit.” Hattori growled out. “Get it thru yer close mind that everyone is gonna be different. Yeah I’m hot-headed but I didn’t go around punchin people fer fun. These were criminals and they threw the first punch. I ain’t gonna stand there and get my ass handed ta me. They caught me in a bad mood so ya I hit harder then normal.”

The Osakan glared at the other detective before pointing a finger at him in an accusing fashion.

"I am who I am. I won’t bow ta anyone. Especially not some wanna-be Holmes who probably won’t even know what ta do when he actually felt something beside neutrality. An when ya finally loose yerself ta yer emotions that ya can’t handle because ya never dealt with them before. Then don’t expect me ta come cleanin up the crime scene.” 

"Do not assume that just because I have a calm demeanor that I am lacking emotion or feeling. On the contrary, I feel things quite passionately, but unlike you, I am able to control these emotions and express them in more appropriate ways. I don’t need my fists to denote that I am angry; that anger becomes fuel and motivation behind my decisions, resulting in action that is effective instead of mindless, physical outrage. 

"To allow yourself to harm another person… Doesn’t that seem directly contrary to the moral values that a detective ought to uphold? When is it ever acceptable to hurt someone? Not to mention that you’ve already admitted that you were lashing at through misdirected anger…

"Criminals or not, there are far better ways of dealing with people than giving in to your primal id. You’re supposed to be a genius, Hattori-kun. I’d like to see you use that intellect of yours some day.”

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A CHALLENGE FOR HATTORI HEIJI

Once upon a time (earlier today), meitanteiosaka’s mun and I discussed an AU in which Hakuba was a shape-shifting gryphon/detective, tasked with the honor of going to Japan to slay the evil demon known as Spider. While there, he met Heiji, a shape-shifting tiger/detective beastie. The Koushien went as well as could be expected (just like the show, only with more being at each other’s throats), and the end result was a heck of a lot of residual anger and a serious need to posture. 

Thus, months later, Hakuba finally decides to challenge Heiji to a BATTLE. Over text messages, no less. The following is the hypothetical transcript of the transpiring challenge: 

–

Hakuba: [text] I am coming to visit.
Heiji: [text] who is this
Hakuba: [text] The REAL Detective of the WEST

pause

Heiji: [text] who
Hakuba: [text] HAKUBA SAGURU
Heiji: [text] FUCK YA YER NOT TH’ REAL DETECTIVE OF TH’ WEST
Hakuba: [text] YES I AM AND YOU CANNOT CONTEST THAT GEOGRAPHICALLY
Heiji: [text] KANSAI IS WESTERN JAPAN, ASSHOLE
Hakuba: [text] YES BUT I AM REFERRING TO THE GREATER WEST – I RULE ALL OF EUROPE
Heiji: [text] seriously doubt that. ya couldn’t rule a small house
Hakuba: [text] Oh just you wait, Hattori Heiji…. JUST YOU WAIT.
Heiji: [text] why’re ya comin’ here
Hakuba: [text] TO DEFEAT YOU IN BATTLE
Heiji: [text] bring it. yer gonna lose, just so ya know
Hakuba: [text] I SINCERELY DOUBT THAT, TORA-CHAN
Heiji: [text] DROP TH’ CHAN, PRICK
Hakuba: [text] TO-RA-CHA-N
Heiji: [text] UNGODLY UNION OF A BIRD AN’ HOUSECAT
Hakuba: [text] YOU WILL EAT THOSE WORDS YOU USELESS TABBY
Heiji: [text] I’LL FEED YA YER OWN TAIL
Hakuba: [text] I’LL TURN YOU TO BUTTER FOR MY PANCAKES

Heiji has to pause on that one because what?
seriously what?

Hakuba looks to Kaito

Hakuba: I think the challenging is going well~ he seems game to fight
Kaito: that’s…..good?
Hakuba: very successful banter indeed~

Heiji: [text] I’LL TURN YA INTA GLUE
Hakuba: [text] YOU’LL MAKE AN EXCELLENT THROW RUG FOR THE GARAGE
Heiji: [text] I’LL MOUNT YER HEAD IN MY OFFICE
Hakuba: [text] THAT WOULD BE THE ONLY WAY YOU’D EVER GET TO MOUNT ANYTHING
Heiji: [text] AN’ YET YA’D STILL BE TH’ ONE GETTIN’ MOUNTED

Hakuba GASPS at his phone

Kaito: were you slighted?
not looking up from his homework
Hakuba: !!!!! HE IS ….. ..!!!!! SUCH A BRUTE
Kaito: you’re both acting like kids
Hakuba: I AM GOING TO DESTROY HIM
Kaito: yeah, kind of a problem with that

Hakuba: [text] YOU ONLY WISH YOU COULD BE SO FORTUNATE TO HAVE SOMETHING AS GLORIOUS AS MYSELF

Hakuba: I won’t really KILL him just… teach him a LESSON
Kaito: you’re still a detective. upholder of the law. you shouldn’t be getting into fights just /because/
Hakuba: It’s not ////just because////, it’s for HONOUR
Hakuba: HE INSULTED ME

Heiji: [text] mighty big ego ya got there. I’d prolly just use ya as a paperweight

Kaito: and I’m sure you’re insulting him right back
Hakuba: well of course, but at least I’m not doing it in front of OTHER DETECTIVES

Hakuba: [text] We’ll see about that, HATTORI HEIJI. BE PREPARED FOR BATTLE THIS WEEKEND.
Heiji: [text] OH I WILL

Kaito: yeah. just regular citizens
Hakuba: no, I’m doing it over text 
Hakuba: you see, over the phone, only he is privy to the messages

Heiji: [text] WASH YER PRETTY LI’L NECK, HAKUBA, ‘CAUSE I’M GONNA RIP THOSE FEATHERS FROM YER ASS
Hakuba: [text] I think that you may also need to rethink your plan of dropping out of school; your understanding of anatomy could use some work.

pause

Heiji: [text] yer ignorance of common phrases astounds me
Hakuba: [text] you do recall that I’m a european gryphon, yes? or do you need to work on your geography as well?
Heiji: [text] yer still half Japanese. thought ya’d at least know some of yer heritage
Hakuba: [text] Perhaps I’ll think about residency here to do just that after I have defeated you
Heiji: [text] ya WISH
Hakuba: [text] I don’t need wishes; I forge my own destiny. I look forward to destroying yours.

Hakuba: Kuroba
Kaito: ye~s?
Hakuba: if someone says to wash your pretty little neck, are they referring to washing your neck before being beheaded?
Kaito: yep
Hakuba: And is that related to execution or the slaughtering of a chicken?
Kaito: uh, execution
Hakuba: Ah. All right, then.

Heiji: [text] yanno I’d say yer ego’s bigger than yer dick, but that ain’t difficult ta do

Hakuba: ….Kuroba
Kaito: hm?
Hakuba: it is generally ill-advised to send photos of one’s genitalia to your adversaries in this country, is it not?
Kaito: …..yes. yes it is. please tell me that it’s not like that in England
Hakuba: no, it’s thought of as quite childish there, as well
Kaito: are you guys seriously insulting each other’s….?
Hakuba: HE JUST DID
Hakuba: DO YOU SEE WHY I NEED TO DEFEAT HIM?!
Kaito: I see why you both need to stop fighting
Hakuba: and pray tell why is that
Kaito: because you are /children/
Hakuba: well, technically, yes
Kaito: fine
Kaito: you know what
Kaito: go have your fight. I’m going to be grabbing a crepe or something in the meantime

Heiji: [text] betcha don’t even got th’ balls ta come ta Osaka, pretty bird~
Hakuba: [text] I’ve already booked the hotel, tora-chan.
Hakuba: [text] you may want to be careful when speaking of anatomical comparison; after all, the national average for your country doesn’t afford much hope for you~

Heiji’s going ‘FUCK’

Heiji: [text] are ya sayin’ ya’d like ta show me yers? sorry Hakuba, but I ain’t interested
Hakuba: [text] you were the one who brought it up, RIVAL HATTORI HEIJI! But no, you are not worthy, anyway.

Hakuba: he’s so crude
Hakuba: I surely must defeat him
Kaito: you keep telling yourself that
Hakuba: he keeps talking about his…! 
Kaito: mmhm
Hakuba: disgusting, honestly

Kaito’s only half-listening
Hakuba looks at his phone in despair
Heiji isn’t responding, he’s calling Shinichi to COMPLAIN LOUDLY

by

motorcyclesandkatanas:

“Yet yere the one who keeps sayin’ I’m a savage brute, and how ‘m incompetent. ‘m only providin’ proof to tha contrary.” Hattori crosses his arms. “And ya talk about humanity, yet ya jump down my throat fer kickin’ in tha door when someone could’a been dyin’, and tha few prciouse moments tha he could’a had i used ta break down tha door and save him, instead of lettin’ him die by being ‘that perfect detective’.” Hattori rolls his eyes. “No ones perfect, Hakuba, not ya, not Kudo, not me. We all have flaws, but tha’s what makes us great detectives. If ya can’t accept tha’ then ya might as well go home and stay there.”

“Of course I know that. No one is infallible. I’m usually one of the first to admit when I’m wrong and I have, and will continue to do so, when such occasions occur. You know my complaints were based primarily on concern for procedure, making accountable decisions with consideration to alternatives, and keeping lines of effective communication open. I value life just as much as you do, Hattori-san; just not at the expense of others.”

“…so if you’re quite done with your posturing and other such nonsense, perhaps we could return to more constructive avenues, such as taking a break for tea, or coffee, or hell, some whiskey if that’s more your style.”

by

motorcyclesandkatanas:

akaikujixyaku:

motorcyclesandkatanas:

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“‘m not his boyfriend, I dun even like the half-brit.”

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Yeah, yeah, Honey, I know the official story, just ignore me if it makes you feel better~

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“HE’S NOT MY BOYFRIEND!!!”

“Hattori just wishes he were my boyfriend, but clearly he is far too savage for me to even consider dating. It would be uncouth. I shudder to think what it would be like to take him anywhere within polite society…”

Chat by

Hakuba vs Hattori: The Musical

Camie: ohhh, hakuba-senpai hattori-kun considers ya a friend~
Camie: so cute~
Hattori: I NEVER SAID THA’ !
Hattori: Hakuba, ignore Camie, I never said tha’!
Hakuba: So we’re… not friends?
Hattori: … -opens mouth, closes it, opens, closes it-
Hakuba: ah….
Hattori: << when have we ever actually behaved like friends?
Kari: all the time.
Kari: all of it Hattori.
Hakuba: *sniff*
Vodka: Remember, only friends get in the tea club. -HAS THE TEABOX. STRAIGHTFACED.-
Hakuba: Ah, Vodka-kun!
Hattori: I dun even drink tea…
Camie: huh what what hakuba is sick (still sick) wat huh?
Hakuba: No, just… sad~
Camie: *frowns* thats hardly better…
Hattori: Yere pullin' my leg… aren't ya, this is some sorta joke…
Vodka: hello!
Hakuba: I just wanted to be friends… /colleagues/…
Hakuba: Vodka-kun! You're my friend, are you not?
Camie: I'm more than a friend right senpai, I'm a kohai~
Hattori: Since when!?
Gab: this feels like the beginning of a musical number
Kari: dfhdbafhsdbfsdbhsd
Kari: yes.
Hakuba: Since when? …Since when!
Since… the…
Moment I first met you,
I knew I had to get you!
Get you to accept me in your life!
And if you could not conceive of it
Perhaps I'd have to conceal a bit
Of the fact that I want in your liiiiife~
Camie: Oh dear god hakuba is singing…
Hattori: …………………..
Camie: I'll get the bat..
Hakuba: You see we share so many elements,
Of what makes you and I~
From our fathers to our habits,
and that's the reason whyyyy—
Hattori: -kisses Hakuba to shut him up because NO-
Kari: OH MY GOD HATTORI THAT IS NOT SDFBJFSDFKSD
camychan: wh…
camychan: WELLTHEN
Hakuba: *IS KISSED* O___O
Hattori: No. No singing.
Kari: I can;t even, I have lost control.
Camie: *STARES*
Hakuba: Ah…
Hattori: -stern look-
Hakuba: I thought it was a rather good number…
Hakuba: Very… Music Man-esque.
Hattori: I will kiss you again.
Camie: Senpai you are…way to calm about all of this…uhm, are you okay?
Kari: Hattori. No. Stop.
Vodka: I'm your friend, yes!
Hakuba: *blushes…. retreats to hide behind Vodka*
Camie: I dont think senpai is okay………….
Hattori: Tha's wha' I thought.
Vodka: oh dear.

Chat by

((so Heiji and Hakuba had a haiku battle))
setting: a balcony at night, drinking sake while doing a moon-viewing. traditionally, one is supposed to recite poetry during this.
Heiji: Isn’t th’ moonlight
rather beautiful tonight?
Naa, Hakuba.
Hakuba: Yes, it is rather beautiful.
Heiji: Ya fail utterly.
Not even realizin’…
Yer rather hopeless~
Heiji: Drawin’ a blank, huh?
I don’t blame ya, Hakuba.
It ain’t that easy.
Hakuba: It is not as though …
I’ve a terrible accent..
to bend the rules with?
Heiji: Ya’ve figgered it out.
I speak Japanese just fine.
Don’t insult me, prat.
Hakuba: You cannot blame me,
a half-blooded foreigner,
for finding it hard.
Heiji: Half-blooded’r not,
poetry’s fer th’ cultured.
Some just can’t do it~
Hakuba: Ah, actually,
I meant understanding /you/;
the poetry’s fine.
Heiji: Ya’ve got a point there.
A foreigner like ya can’t
follow proper speech.
Hakuba: You speak too quickly!
It’s difficult to keep up,
much less understand.
Heiji: Tokyo-ben’s too slow.
Ain’t my fault ya can’t keep up.
Ya should really learn.
Hakuba: Oh please, Hattori;
I’ve learned /proper/ Japanese,
not your Kansai-ben.
Heiji: Kansai-ben’s proper!
Stop insultin’ me, will ya?
We’re wastin’ moonlight.
Hakuba: My apologies;
you are just so fun to tease!
Pass the sake, please~
Heiji: Here’s yer blasted drink.
Good rice, good year, good sake.
Hope ya choke on it.
Hakuba: And here I had thought,
as foolish as it may be,
that we’d become friends!
Heiji: Ya mean we ain’t friends?
An’ here I thought we might’ve
had somethin’. Ah well.
Hakuba: …You did just tell me,
if I am not mistaken,
to choke on sake.
Heiji: Ya mean ya wouldn’t
enjoy CPR from me?
Ya’d be missin’ out.
((and then Hakuba gave up))