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“If you’re sure.” He replied not convinced by the detective’s words. He reached for his drink and took a sip from it.

“Take your time. No one is forcing you to heal as fast as you can. Sometimes the best thing is to go at the pace you can handle.” It took him four years. Four long lonely, painful years to heal from The Change.  He blinked then gave him a pained smile.

“I apologize. You’ve probably heard that too many times now.” Embarrassed by his sudden step into therapy he took another sip and hope to god he didn’t just offend the other.

As comforting as the words were, facing his situation, even to such a small degree, was even more painful than the actual injury. Hakuba averted his gaze, looking to the tea cup, then pressed the rim to his lips for another quiet drink, taking his time. He didn’t want to admit that the other de- that the detective had hurt him; he knew it was unintentional, but the apology called attention to it. 

Another sip.

“It’s all right.” It wasn’t, but Hakuba didn’t bother to change his tone to match the words. It would be useless against Kudou, anyway. “Perhaps once I’ve finished my tea. Do you have a car here?" 

God, what a situation to be in. He had to stay calm, had to push the thoughts away. Relax. He took another sip of tea. He could be stable. This was no matter at all. 

Twig nosed his leg and he blinked, shifting some to look under the table. She wagged her tail, ears back, and huffed. Hakuba managed a tiny smile, then straightened up again, train of thought successfully derailed. 

thelotusflowerfiles:

The smile was too forced …no to practiced to be natrual and after the one he had seen when they spoke of Holmes he knew it was a lie.

“If you’re in pain we can always take this to my home. It is close and you can relax a bit more there.” He paused and tried to think of the simplest way to explain why. “No unwelcome eyes, if you will.”

Aha, he’d been caught… not that Hakuba was really surprised by the fact, though having been called out on it was admittedly a little unsettling. Despite this, he was glad of it, both because it meant his analysis of Shinichi’s character thus far was accurate, and that his trust had been well-placed– especially given the convenient out provided. It was appreciated. Admired, even. 

Amused and relieved, he lifted the teacup with a little less tremor and smirked. 

“I’d be very grateful to visit your home, Kudou-san, but all in good time. I’ll be fine for a little while, yet.” He chuckled, letting a more genuine, but pained smile through. “Several of the doctors I’ve seen are convinced that it’s more psychosomatic at this point, anyway…”

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“I hope I have changed a little in my years ….. of solitude.” He had almost spoken of Conan. He swallowed and squared his shoulders. Years of self preservation kicked in and he instantly started coming up with back stories in case the detective decide to ask questions. Azuza slipped by the table and placed their orders down.

“Is there anything I can do for you guys?” She said hopefully.

Shinichi looked up to her and smiled. “Not for me, Hakuba-san?”

Perfect timing. 

Hakuba looked down at the tea, first, then back at the woman with a small nod. “Nor for me, either, this is perfect. Thank you.” After putting his watch away, he picked up the little tea spoon to begin stirring, waiting for the woman to leave so that his forced, polite smile could relax. He wasn’t about to pry with Kudou, not after the earlier warning about their setting, but he was curious…

…besides that, his back hurt. Nerves and all else aside, he really couldn’t go very long at all before the ache set in, so he was very much looking forward to the tea. Tea always helped, and he had to admit that he had missed authentic Japanese matcha– he could never quite do it justice in London. Even without waiting for her to leave, he lifted the cup, hands trembling, and took a sip. Ah.

Surely, Holmes was the safest topic to discuss, particularly with the change in atmosphere. He only needed an opportunity to pick up another thread.

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“But I was. I was very cruel, just wanting to solve the cases as quickly as possible. I didn’t care if the offenders broke down crying under the pressure or if I … I made it seem that death was there only option. I did so much damage not only to them but their families.” He leaned back and folded his hands in front of him. He stared them and continued. “There … I have blood on my hands. Of those that I’ve push and those I couldn’t save thanks to being so blind. " 

He could remember all of there faces. The pain and hopelessness of each one. Their faces used to haunt him at night along with Gin and the organization. So after a while the nightmares diminished and soon stopped all together. He didn’t dream at all any more. Not even to day dream.

Hakuba fell silent for a time as he contemplated Kudou’s words, eyes half-closing to concentrate. "Yet,” he said after a moment or two. “You now see that you were blind. You have made changes, haven’t you? This feeling of sorrow that I get from you is authentic. I trust that it is.”

Even so, he had to admit that he didn’t know Shinichi well enough to give a full assessment, not really, and certainly not of everything. “Holmes was cruel, but he had to be with many of those criminals. He still showed mercy, even to the worst… Boscombe Valley Mystery, you know?" 

He flicked the watch open with the press of his thumbnail and studied the time before verifying it with the wristwatch he wore. 

"Surely things are different now, Kudou-san." 

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He had notice the brief pause, the distraction. Filing it away to ask the other about it when they were swapping stories. He nodded in agreement at the appropriate questions in both to indicate that he was listening and to show that he felt the same way. He smiled at the end, that small, soft, slightly sad grin.

“I agree. Holmes has always been my idol. Someone I strive to be like. At least that was how it used to be. There were somethings that were vague in Holmes’s stories. Like when the case was aloud to get personal enough so you didn’t force someone into a corner. When the victims and the offenders reasoning and feelings should be considered and valuated. Waston did those things. He sympathized with the clients and  understood the convicted. So I guess I changed and wanted to become someone that was a mix between both.”

He shifted in his seat. It had been along time since he had to talk about himself for that long and about something he had never spoke to anyone about. 

“Mm…”  Hakuba hummed with agreement, his own smile turning somewhat pained. “I have to be honest that while I always loved and admired Holmes, I never did quite feel like a Sherlock. I’m… definitely more of a John Watson, especially now.”

He sighed, pulling out his pocket watch to set on the table, running his fingers over the scarred surface. “I think that the balance you’ve mentioned is specifically why they worked so well together. That cold brilliance is necessary for the work… to not become so attached that you’re blinded by emotions, twisting logic and reason to match the heart…

"But then the compassion, too… that sympathy, that humanity, really…”

The blond went quiet for moment, finally looking back at Shinichi. “I’d always heard that you were cold and somewhat difficult to work with, Kudou-san, but I must admit that I’m really not seeing it. Perhaps that mix you wanted has already been achieved." 

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Shinichi looked up at him with the excitement of a young boy. It wasn’t often, more like never, he came across others that even like Holmes. “I have and loved it. The concept was nearly perfect some point could have been tweaked a little but all in all it was very good. I was especially please with Waston and Moriarty. Their characterization was spot on.” He sighed and sat down. ” What did you think of Reichenbach and the way they had it?”

If he was a dog he would have had his ears forward and tail wagging. 

“Oh my god!” Hakuba said, suddenly brightening, himself. The Sherlock Switch had been flipped. “Oh god, Watson was so incredible, easily my favorite portrayal of him, since he’s supposed to be intelligent but such a fantastic contrast to Holmes and – oh oh ohhh Moriarty god I could only HOPE to have that sort of relationship with a–”

He stopped himself then, freezing in place for a moment as the thought settled in, suddenly paling. The memory of Spider in those final minutes was all too fresh in his mind. It only lasted two or three seconds before he shook his head, but his voice carried a tone of distraction as he continued.

“I was shocked for Reichenbach… I hadn’t expected Moriarty to off himself, but at the same time, it made perfect sense for the character and the adaptation. Pushing Holmes to… oh, and then when the third season? And John’s reaction? Oh god, and the awkward wedding scenes…" 

Hakuba managed a laugh, trying his best to recover, though his hands fumbled under the table for desperate need of something to drink. He hoped that the awkward server girl would return soon with his tea. 

"Wasn’t Mycroft brilliant, too? And everything with the fishbowl… oh, never have I so closely related to a literary piece in such media!”

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He nodded and looked up to the waitress when she came to the table. “Azuza-san could I have a plain water and an English blend tea with honey for my friend here.”

Azuza smiled and nearly ran off with the order till she noticed the dog under the table. “Ah, the dog … I’m sorry but can it go outside? We’re not aloud-“

Shinichi stood from his seat. “Wait, Azuza-san, Twig, she’s a service dog. She has to stay with him, please. She’s a very good girl. She won’t do anything bad. right?” He said and looked at both her and Hakuba.

Blushing, Hakuba shifted on his hip to retrieve the papers from his pocket, awkward and nervous as always. He’d managed to get a copy of the papers in Japanese, too, but the seal was from the Royal Association in England… 

He paused when Shinichi explained for him, then nodded. “Ah, yes, she’s very well trained and certified… I have official documentation if you need to see it.” Hakuba offered the folded papers to her with a little bit of a grimace, and Twig wagged her tail, staying where she was. “She really won’t be any trouble, I can assure you…”

It was a relief that Shinichi already knew that Twig was a service dog, embarrassing as it was. But from the vest, well, it would have been completely obvious for a detective. 

“I’ll, ah, even order for her if you’d prefer she be a patron,” Hakuba then added, forcing a smile. 

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Shinichi gauged him before smiling at the other and felt as if he had just been handed to the keys to something. He nearly picked up the cup again and frowned. Glancing around he couldn’t find Azuza any where. Shifting the cup out of the way he picked up his glasses and slipped them back on.

“Take your time. No need to rush.” He smiled at him again. “Sometimes it just helps to know that there is someone there who’ll listen.”

He knew that was how it was for him. Those nights as Conan when memories would creep up on him and scare him wake for the rest of the night, he knew he only had to call Hakase, or his parents and they would listen. Quietly, intently. When he was in Europe for those long years, as embarrassing as it was, his mother would sit by his bedside and just run her fingers threw his hair and never say a word. They’d fall sleep with out saying a word to each other.

He notice Azuza emerge from the back and waved to her. As she approached he looked back to Hakuba. “What do you want?”

“Indeed…” was all that Hakuba managed to say for the time being, mind mulling over all of the information, details, and stories that he could conceivably tell. He wondered just how much Shinichi knew and what his line of questioning would eventually be. Just how many secrets would he end up giving away? All of them? 

The blond shuddered, which got a look from the dog under the table, tags jingling. Twig also looked out and up at Azuza, ears perking forward, tail wagging. Sometimes the official-looking people were strict about animals in their establishments, but she found if she looked nicely submissive, they usually didn’t have a problem. Twig let her ears droop back, panting quietly to smile, then yawned to let herself be known. 

Hakuba, distracted by Shinichi’s next question, looked for a menu somewhere but quickly abandoned the effort, instead just shrugging. “Tea… any tea will be fine. Honey or two sugars.”