Aries: awkward nerd
Taurus: super popular
Gemini: star of the cross country team
Cancer: king of the nerds
Leo: always in trouble with the principal
Virgo: Let me tell you something about a Virgo. We were best friends in middle school. I know right, it’s sooo embarrassing. I don’t even…whatever. So then in eighth grade I started going out with my first boyfriend, Kyle, who was totally gorgeous but then he moved to Indiana—and the Virgo was like, weirdly jealous of him. Like if I would blow them off to hang out with Kyle, they’d be like “Why didn’t you call me back?!” and I’d be like, “Uh, why are you so obsessed with me?” So then for my birthday party, which was an Pisces pool party, I was like, “I can’t invite you because I think you’re a Virgo!” I mean, I couldn’t have a Virgo at my party! There were going to be Pisces there in their bathing suits! I mean right, she was a Virgo! So then their mom called my mom and started yelling at her and it was so retarded and then they dropped out of school ‘cause no one would talk to them and they came back in the fall for high school and their hair was all cut off and they were totally weird and now I guess they’re on crack
Libra: had a good time in general
Scorpio: switched from band to choir
Sagittarius: never did their homework
Capricorn: made really cool science projects
Aquarius: founded Rome
Pisces: murdered the janitor