“…Okay, okay… I can take a hint. I’ll write a letter to Kuroba-kun. I doubt that I’ll send it, however… it’ll go in the journal with the rest of them, but then you can get off of my back about it.”

…

Dearest Kuroba-kun,

It’s no secret that I’m fond of you. At least, I hope that my mannerisms express this fact to you. I have enjoyed getting to know you, and watching you mature as you’ve taken your responsibilities more seriously. Your work ethic has improved, as has your manner. I don’t know if this is simply you becoming the man that you will be or if it is strongly influenced by your work…

Ah, but I’m getting off track… this isn’t to be an evaluation of your character, though I can say that I am pleased with how you have handled most obstacles thus far, and-

Again, getting off track.

I don’t know what I am to you… what we are together. In the grand scheme of things, that probably doesn’t matter so much. You have your work, I have mine. Regardless of what the median of our feelings convey, we will continue on as always… avoidance, secrets, lies. It’s part of our lot in life and I can accept that. Really, I can. I’m used to living a lie. I do it all of the time. But…

…now I’ve become vulnerable to you, something I did not want to do. When I said that I was wrapped around your finger, I meant it. I’m certain I’ll tell you one day how I fell for you, and my concerns for how it may put us both at great risk. If you asked me to do something, whatever it was, I would do it. If you specified ‘no questions asked,’ I would keep my lips sealed. I’ve put my trust in your hands because I believe with conviction that you are an honest, peaceful person despite your occupation. Underneath all of that bravado is a person who truly cares. You’ve ruined me.

I have vain hopes that, one day, you might care for me with such passion. I know that you are protective of me and are willing to spend time with me… even close, personal time… but I do not believe that you love me. I can’t see how you possibly could, as you know almost nothing about me. And how could you?  Hattori-san even said it so aptly before that I carry my own cross and refuse to share the burden. I keep everything locked away from everyone. Heart sealed, cold, stone walls around me, pushing everyone away. 

I hope that my feeling this way does not hurt you (but then I will not be sending this letter)… I am only being honest. I care greatly for you, and hope that you will learn my secrets… that I might be important enough to you that you’ll solve the mystery that I cannot.  

Perhaps some day… when we’re older, wiser… when the world is a better place, if that can ever be.

In my mind I hear you laughing at me, amused. Chiding me for taking things so seriously, that I should try to enjoy myself and our time together instead. I don’t think you understand just how difficult that is for me /because/ it’s you and not some foolish, spoiled rich one night stand that I’ve picked up at a benefit. I respect you. I admire you. I…

I won’t say that I love you, either, as I only have my investigative reports and observations to go off of… Until I learn about you from your lips, and reach a common ground /with/ you…

This is so difficult to talk and to write about. 

It’s just that… I will not let myself make the same mistake again. I cannot. I don’t think that I could survive going through it another time… and I would hate to tarnish your name in my heart forever more.

I can’t stand the thought of that… I can’t, I can’t, I can’t. 

God, why is this so difficult? 

I’m so sorry for being so bloody fucked up.

Yours,

S. J. Hakuba

…

“…It’s just… no good.”