He set the glass down and stroked the stem a bit. His mind raced and once again he was back to realizing that reality was cruel. So fucking cruel. What was he supposed to say with Hakuba hesitating like that? To all of the logic that was put in front of him? And then look like the whole concept was going to make him faint. That to date him was never an option or a thought that had crossed his mind.
The mention of Oxford just twisted an already placed knife. He remember the boxes in the others bedroom and that he told him to go.
It was amazing how those simple question caused all of his insecurities and anxieties to spring to the forefront of his mind. The fear of ejection only made it worse but why did he kiss him? If he didn’t want to date or have that intimate relationship then why kiss him and drag him through this turmoil?
For a laugh? He was going to …. he thought of knocking him flat on his ass but stop. Even in his head he couldn’t hurt him. He sighed. Looked up at Hakuba and began speaking softly and clearly.
“If I can, even just for a tiny moment. I know that your going back and I’m cruel for doing this but … I want to at least belong to someone, to you before I’m left alone again.” He felt his throat close and walked away from the counter. He had to swallow twice before he could speak again. “I understand that long distance relationships are tricky and most of the time fall out but I …..”
He smiled bitterly. Just how selfish could he be?
“That’s why I was hesitant,” Hakuba said, biting his lip as he averted his gaze. He didn’t want to hurt Kuroba, which is specifically why he hadn’t acted on his impulses before. Why he’d been so afraid to reciprocate. Why he’d gone to Kaito’s house to ask about which university to go to. It was cruel to put them both through something like that. Rejection hurt, yes, but not more than broken hearts.
He’d been so sure, so certain that Kuroba didn’t want him before. That his love was unrequited, never to be returned. But it had. And through that, he had to consider the other parts of it. If there was a chance, even a small one…
…then he wanted to take it.
The detective took a deep breath and let it out slowly, considering his next words carefully, though they came together with surprising ease. It was a risk, but he looked back at Kaito, resolve once again.
“If I… if we took this step, Kuroba-kun, would you promise to be true?” Hakuba swallowed hard, then continued, voice level, calm, soft. “And help me understand, because I’ve been in love before and I’ve found that love was more than just holding hands."