{"id":8621,"date":"2016-04-25T04:43:04","date_gmt":"2016-04-25T04:43:04","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/archive.gabapple.com\/tumblr\/gabapple\/2016\/04\/25\/i-hate-when-parents-dont-explain-death-to-their\/"},"modified":"2016-04-25T04:43:04","modified_gmt":"2016-04-25T04:43:04","slug":"i-hate-when-parents-dont-explain-death-to-their","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/archive.gabapple.com\/tumblr\/gabapple\/2016\/04\/25\/i-hate-when-parents-dont-explain-death-to-their\/","title":{"rendered":"I hate when parents don&#8217;t explain death to their kids."},"content":{"rendered":"<p><a class=\"tumblr_blog\" href=\"http:\/\/i-can-hear-the-empty-sounds.tumblr.com\/post\/143346429090\">i-can-hear-the-empty-sounds<\/a>:<\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<p><a class=\"tumblr_blog\" href=\"http:\/\/angryinkeddrunk.tumblr.com\/post\/142852996574\">angryinkeddrunk<\/a>:<\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<p><a class=\"tumblr_blog\" href=\"http:\/\/drbobbimorse.tumblr.com\/post\/142848460740\">drbobbimorse<\/a>:<\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<p><a class=\"tumblr_blog\" href=\"http:\/\/angryinkeddrunk.tumblr.com\/post\/142841559004\">angryinkeddrunk<\/a>:<\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<p>(This is all just personal opinion) <\/p>\n<p>\u201cIt ran away.\u201d <br \/>\nNo. That\u2019s not fair.<br \/>\nIt\u2019s dead. It\u2019s not coming back. Don\u2019t do that to a child. Death is really important to understand. <\/p>\n<p>YES they might be heartbroken over it but you need explain the truth to them as best you can depending on their age. It will help them understand loss. <br \/>\nI learned about death from an early age watching lions rip apart buffalo on animal planet. That bitch is DEAD. lol.<br \/>\nWhen my cheap ass fish would die, they where dead. They went up to \u201cfishy heaven\u201d. When one of my cats died, it was dead. It went to \u201ckitty heaven\u201d. My mom used to read me a book about how things that die go to heaven. I was sad but my tiny, imaginative child brain could grasp the concept of my animals going to a \u201chappier\u201d place because they were sick.<\/p>\n<p>I just don\u2019t see why or how lying is better other than to protect their little feelings. No one wants to see their child sad but like I said before, I think it\u2019s important to understand loss. Kids get hurt, it happens, it prepares them for adult life.<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019m no parenting expert and I know there are plenty of reasons I wouldn\u2019t understand as to why people think lying would be better. This is all just a pet peeve of mine.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<p>Okay so I\u2019m a mortician-in-training and, right now, I\u2019m taking the required thanatology class which is all about death, dying and bereavement. Our most recent readings were all about children and how to help them make sense of the loss and separation of a loved one. Apparently, most adults seem to think children don\u2019t grieve but they do. Children essentially have seven stages of grief: shock, alarm, disbelief, yearning, searching, disorganization, and resolution.\u00a0Their grief is harder to understand and assess because they have neither the vocabulary nor life experience to easily express their feelings and needs. A child\u2019s belief structure and how they respond\u00a0to death is determined by their age\/developmental level, the manner of the death, and their relationship with the deceased.<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>\n<b>Birth &#8211; 2 yrs:<\/b>\u00a0only non-specific distress reactions<\/li>\n<li>\n<b>2-5 yrs:<\/b> don\u2019t understand the permanence of death; concerned about physical well-being of deceased; not capable of cognitive reciprocity; may want to see and touch deceased\u2019 repeatedly asks same questions about deceased; may act as if death never happened or in a regressive manner; may experience guilt (like, if they once said something like\u00a0\u201cI wish so-and-so would go away forever, they might think they caused the death)<\/li>\n<li>\n<b>6-9 yrs:<\/b>\u00a0more complex understanding; realize death is irreversible and that its universal; find it difficult to believe that death will happen to them (believe it happens only to older people); death can be personified and this allows them to run and hide from it; tendency to engage in\u00a0\u201cmagical thinking\u201d (don\u2019t let them do this, its as bad as you lying to them; keep them grounded in the reality of the death), have strong feelings of loss but have extreme difficulty expressing it; often need permission to grieve<\/li>\n<li>\n<b>9-12 yrs:<\/b>\u00a0have cognitive understand to comprehend death is a final event; can understand and accept a mature, realistic explanation of death; short attention spans (they could be sad and grieving one moment and laughing joyfully the next, and someone could see that and negatively comment on it. Like, \u201chow can so-and-so be acting like that?\u201d\u00a0This can intensify their already fluctuating emotions and present feelings of guilt and low self-worth); their vocabulary is advanced enough to express their feelings but they may not want to talk about what\u2019s bothering them (they\u2019ll let it build up and manifest in behavioral problems); interest in the physical aspect of death and what happens after; may imitate decreased\u2019s mannerisms<\/li>\n<li>\n<b>13-18 yrs:<\/b>\u00a0understand the meaning of death; realize its irreversible and happens to everyone; normal puberty will intensify grief by adding to already conflicting emotions; often put in position of being the protector, comforter, caregiver (feel they must comfort others t their wen emotions are suppressed; they\u2019ll look find on the outside but be falling apart inside); experience conflicting feelings about death (try to overcome fears by confirming control of their mortality; risk taking behavior); males are more likely to express grief in aggressive behaviors while females need comfort, to be held and reassured<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>There\u2019s basically 10 rules:<\/p>\n<ol>\n<li>\n<b>Tell them ASAP:<\/b>\u00a0its important to start with what they know about death and then expand on that; be gentle and trustful; tell them in a comfortable, safe and familiar place and make sure its in language they\u2019ll understand; never assume they understand the way you do<\/li>\n<li>\n<b>Be truthful:<\/b>\u00a0kids can sense dishonesty ok?! So don\u2019t create lies to protect them; don\u2019t make up stories that\u2019ll have to be changed later on cause that only confuses them and promotes emotional instability; don\u2019t withhold information either (within reason, see #3), place emphasis on the facts, and avoid euphemisms (i.e., \u201cpassed away\u201d, \u201cdeparted\u201d, \u201cwent away\u201d, \u201cgot sick\u201d (they\u2019ll associate illness and death go hand-in-hand and may think a common cold will kill them),\u00a0etc)<\/li>\n<li>\n<b>Share only details they\u2019re ready to hear:<\/b>\u00a0truthfulness should be balanced with their readiness for details (like, tell them someone died in a horrible auto accident but maybe not say they were decapitated and their head flew off down the highway in the process); children with actualize a crisis like an adult; its not uncommon for them to ask about a death later in life and that provides the opportunity to deliver info that wasn\u2019t previously shared (i.e., the decapitation)<\/li>\n<li>\n<b>Encourage expression of feelings:<\/b>\u00a0a child will experience stages of grief very similar to those of adults (adults typically follow the Kubler-Ross 5 stages while kids have 7, seen above) and they rely on adults for permission to \u201cfeel\u201d loss; best way is for them to learn is to hear and watch adults because they get their understanding of grief through their senses; its not unusual for them to go up to people and just make a statement like \u201cMy dad died\u201d cause they want to see how that person will react and give them a clue as to how they should react,\u00a0so its important for adults to \u201cfeel\u201d their grief in the presence of the child; explain why you\u2019re sad and reassure them that its okay for them to feel sad and cry and that its okay if they aren\u2019t<\/li>\n<li>\n<b>Take child to the funeral:\u00a0<\/b>seeing is believing; they should be given the option to view the body but <i>don\u2019t<\/i> force them; a funeral can be a positive experience but their level of involvement in the funeral process should be their individual decision; give them the choice as to the extent of their involvement<\/li>\n<li>\n<b>Take child to the cemetery:\u00a0<\/b>it can be comforting to them to know where the body is buried and how it got there; it can also help them direct their grief at an appropriate object (this lessens emotional disorganization), and it lessens the child\u2019s chances of denying or avoiding the death<\/li>\n<li>\n<b>Let them tell others about death:<\/b>\u00a0adults \u201ctalking over\u201d kids creates anxiety; when the child can explain it to another person, in their own words, they feel more in control and have a greater understanding; let them speak!<\/li>\n<li>\n<b>Encourage talk of the loss:<\/b>\u00a0this allows feelings to be expressed and incorrect ideas about any aspect of the loss to be corrected<\/li>\n<li>\n<b>Be available to answer questions:<\/b>\u00a0you need to answer each question as sincerely and accurately as possible; understand that some can\u2019t be answered but simply being available is important; and be patient cause they will ask the same question repeatedly<\/li>\n<li>\n<b>Never tell them how they should or shouldn\u2019t feel:<\/b>\u00a0you don\u2019t like it when people do it to you, so don\u2019t do it to kids;\u00a0they should be encouraged to express any feeling and they should feel accepted for it; being told \u201cnot to feel\u201d a certain way leads to emotionally \u201cplaying dead\u201d and that\u2019ll create repression, which creates interpersonal conflicts in later life due to inability to communicate emotions<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n<\/blockquote>\n<p>This was a super interesting read.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<h2>\u201cTheir grief is harder to understand and assess because they have<br \/>\nneither the vocabulary nor life experience to easily express their<br \/>\nfeelings and needs.\u201d<\/h2>\n<\/blockquote>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>i-can-hear-the-empty-sounds: angryinkeddrunk: drbobbimorse: angryinkeddrunk: (This is all just personal opinion) \u201cIt ran away.\u201d No. That\u2019s not fair. It\u2019s dead. It\u2019s not coming back. Don\u2019t do that to a child. Death is really important to understand. YES they might be heartbroken over it but you need explain the truth to them as best you can depending &hellip; <a href=\"http:\/\/archive.gabapple.com\/tumblr\/gabapple\/2016\/04\/25\/i-hate-when-parents-dont-explain-death-to-their\/\" class=\"more-link\">Continue reading <span class=\"screen-reader-text\">I hate when parents don&#8217;t explain death to their kids.<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-8621","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","without-featured-image"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/archive.gabapple.com\/tumblr\/gabapple\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8621","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/archive.gabapple.com\/tumblr\/gabapple\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/archive.gabapple.com\/tumblr\/gabapple\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/archive.gabapple.com\/tumblr\/gabapple\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/archive.gabapple.com\/tumblr\/gabapple\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=8621"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/archive.gabapple.com\/tumblr\/gabapple\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8621\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/archive.gabapple.com\/tumblr\/gabapple\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=8621"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/archive.gabapple.com\/tumblr\/gabapple\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=8621"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/archive.gabapple.com\/tumblr\/gabapple\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=8621"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}