{"id":7579,"date":"2017-03-27T07:05:29","date_gmt":"2017-03-27T07:05:29","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/archive.gabapple.com\/tumblr\/gabapple\/2017\/03\/27\/pansexualfaithlehane-erenexe\/"},"modified":"2017-03-27T07:05:29","modified_gmt":"2017-03-27T07:05:29","slug":"pansexualfaithlehane-erenexe","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/archive.gabapple.com\/tumblr\/gabapple\/2017\/03\/27\/pansexualfaithlehane-erenexe\/","title":{"rendered":""},"content":{"rendered":"

pansexualfaithlehane<\/a>:<\/p>\n

\n

erenexe<\/a>:<\/p>\n

\n

poedamerontrashcaneron<\/a>:<\/p>\n

\n

intj-confessions<\/a>:<\/p>\n

\n

auditorycheesecakes<\/a>:<\/p>\n

\n

onyxjuniper<\/a>:<\/p>\n

\n

frecklesandsky<\/a>:<\/p>\n

\n

I just read this super sad post about this girl who\u2019s asexual and married and everyone is basically telling her that she doesn\u2019t deserve her husband\/she\u2019s just a prude\/she should just do it anyway.
\nSo I want to tell you all right now that if people tell you this, or if they tell you you\u2019ll never have a relationship, it is BULLSHIT.
\nMy husband is asexual and I\u2019m not. He\u2019s sex repulsed, we don\u2019t have sex, we never have.
\nAnd it doesn\u2019t matter to me. You know what does? He does. His mental health and wellbeing matter to me. Because he is my best friend and he\u2019s one of the smartest, kindest, funniest people I\u2019ve ever met. And he\u2019s had people tel him that he\u2019s broken and it makes me SO ANGRY because they are WRONG.
\nBeing different doesnt mean you\u2019re broken.
\nIf you don\u2019t like sex\/don\u2019t want it\/etc. Do not let anyone tell you that you\u2019re inferior because you\u2019re not.
\nDo not let anyone convice you that you\u2019ll never have a relationship because they\u2019re wrong(if you want one).
\nYou are not broken, and it will be okay.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

This made me feel really good. Remember this, for all my ace spectrum friends out there<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

#it\u2019s really reassuring to hear from the partner<\/a>\u00a0#the one who\u2019s not ace<\/a>\u00a0#but is totally cool with having no sex<\/a>\u00a0#loves her husband anyway<\/a>\u00a0#is in a stable and happy relationship<\/a>\u00a0#it\u2019s such a relief when you discover that asexuality is a thing<\/a>\u00a0#that you\u2019re okay<\/a>\u00a0#but then you start to wonder if it means your only chance at not ending up alone is finding someone else who\u2019s also ace<\/a>\u00a0#but no<\/a>\u00a0#turns out it\u2019s not<\/a>\u00a0#that\u2019s really good to hear<\/a>\u00a0#so<\/a>\u00a0#thanks<\/a>\u00a0#so ace<\/a>\u00a0#so space<\/a><\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

I hope you don\u2019t mind me reblogging your tags but these are my feelings EXACTLY<\/p>\n

I\u2019m always a little nervous that I\u2019m not\u00a0\u201cgood enough\u201d for a\u00a0\u201creal relationship\u201d because sex isn\u2019t on the table. So yeah, these stories are reassuring<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

The amount of pressure from society to have sex is incredible. We\u2019re told it\u2019s linked to relationship health and if you\u2019re not willing to do every damn thing you\u2019re labeled a prude. It\u2019s incredibly disheartening, especially considering how one\u2019s libido can change over the years even if you\u2019re not ace. Nice to see a supportive piece from a partner.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

OK, kids, buckle up it\u2019s story time.<\/p>\n

When I got married, I hadn\u2019t had sex yet. \u00a0Waiting until marriage was important to me, so that\u2019s what I did. \u00a0My wedding night was the first time I had sex.<\/p>\n

It sucked.<\/p>\n

I figured, ok, this is new for both of us, it\u2019s probably going to take some practice.<\/p>\n

A year later? \u00a0It still sucked \u00a0We tried a lot of different stuff. \u00a0A lot <\/i>\u00a0of different stuff.\u00a0<\/p>\n

It sucked so bad, we even bought a copy of \u201cSex for Dummies\u201d.<\/p>\n

(it didn\u2019t help)<\/p>\n

I started working late so I didn\u2019t go to bed at the same time as my husband. \u00a0Every time he would travel for work, I\u2019d be grateful that I didn\u2019t have to go through the awkwardness of avoiding his advances when I went to bed.<\/p>\n

He didn\u2019t think it was healthy for a newlywed couple to have sex less than once a week. \u00a0So we scheduled it. \u00a0Repeat, scheduled intimacy<\/i>. \u00a0I thought I was putting on a brave face and doing what I needed to do to maintain a good relationship.<\/p>\n

Because I had no idea that asexuality was a thing.<\/i><\/b><\/p>\n

I talked to my husband, told him I didn\u2019t like sex. \u00a0He didn\u2019t understand. \u00a0I lost track of how many times I said:\u00a0\u201cIt\u2019s not that I don\u2019t want to have sex with you<\/i>. \u00a0I don\u2019t want to have sex with anyone.<\/i>\u201d<\/p>\n

So it was established, Amber doesn\u2019t like sex.<\/p>\n

But we still did it. \u00a0Because I wanted my husband to be happy. \u00a0Sometimes halfway through, I\u2019d start crying.<\/p>\n

And he\u2019d always be supportive, and apologize.<\/p>\n

After<\/i>\u00a0he finished.<\/p>\n

So when I found out about asexuality, and told him how I felt, he suggested I go to a doctor. \u00a0Because obviously there was something wrong with me.<\/p>\n

So I went to a doctor.<\/p>\n

(surprise, surprise, I\u2019m perfectly healthy)<\/p>\n

Then I told my mom. \u00a0When she suggested meds to improve my sex drive, I broke down in tears. \u00a0I told her there was nothing wrong with me. \u00a0And my mom has been 100% supportive of my orientation ever since. \u00a0When people ask if I\u2019m a lesbian, she teaches them about asexuality. \u00a0<\/p>\n

But anyway back to my journey of self-discovery<\/p>\n

So I tell my husband, I\u2019m asexual, I don\u2019t want to have sex. \u00a0You are not<\/i>\u00a0asexual, you do <\/i>want to have sex. \u00a0One of us is going to be miserable in this relationship, and I\u2019m tired of it being me. \u00a0I love you too much to make you miserable for the rest of your life, but I love myself too much to be miserable for the rest of my<\/i> life. \u00a0We might have to face the fact that we\u2019re not right for each other.<\/p>\n

So his immediate response is\u00a0\u201cno, I can change, I\u2019ll do anything, divorce is not an option, etc\u201d<\/p>\n

But I can\u2019t exactly ask him to stop wanting to have sex. \u00a0Because that\u2019s not how allosexual people work. \u00a0And he can\u2019t seduce me into wanting to have sex, because that\u2019s not how asexual people work.<\/p>\n

Anyway. \u00a0He cries, I cry, we decide on marriage counseling to help our comunication.<\/p>\n

Because we\u2019d been married for almost 6 years by this point, and had been together for 3 years before that, and we still<\/i>\u00a0can\u2019t really talk about what we want (or don\u2019t want) in regards to sex.<\/p>\n

So we go to counselling for 6 weeks. \u00a0The first 3 sessions individually, and the last 3 together. \u00a0During the together sessions, the therapist would prompt us with a question, and we\u2019d talk to each other, being completely honest about things.<\/p>\n

During (what turned out to be) our last session, I\u2019d finally had enough. \u00a0I\u2019d had enough of being embarrassed about what anyone else would think. \u00a0Enough of the gender roles I was being forced into. \u00a0Enough of paying someone to watch me talk to my husband. \u00a0Enough of pretending to salvage a relationship that I had been increasingly avoiding over the past 2 years, and I said:<\/p>\n

\u201cJosh, I love you. \u00a0We have communication problems, but we\u2019ve been together almost ten years and I\u2019m willing to work through those if you think we can make it work. \u00a0But I am never having sex with you again<\/b>.<\/i>\u201d<\/p>\n

(At this point, the therapist who\u2019d been trying to get us to communicate put down her notebook and said, ok I think we\u2019re done.)<\/p>\n

Then and only<\/i>\u00a0then, did he agree to file for divorce.<\/p>\n

\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2013<\/p>\n

I say all that to say this:<\/p>\n

Don\u2019t you dare<\/i>\u00a0fucking tell me that asexual representation doesn\u2019t matter. <\/b>\u00a0I would have six years of my life back if I had known.<\/p>\n

And if you\u2019re in a relationship, talk to each other oh my God<\/b><\/i>. \u00a0About everything. \u00a0What dream you had last night. \u00a0That song from scout camp that randomly gets stuck in your head. \u00a0The reason you don\u2019t like sweet potato. \u00a0That embarrassing thing you did in third grade that still makes you mad when you think about it. \u00a0If you and your partner can share these tiny, intimate details, talking about sex is no big deal. \u00a0And it takes practice, so practice.<\/i><\/b><\/p>\n

\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2013<\/i><\/p>\n

On a happy note, now, 3 years after the divorce, I am in a happy, stable relationship with another ace. \u00a0And if you happen to ask my mom how I\u2019m doing, she\u2019ll tell you\u00a0\u201cI\u2019ve never seen my baby girl happier.\u201d<\/p>\n

It gets better. \u00a0But it\u2019s up to you to make it that way.<\/b><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

@theonetheonlyjordanelizabeth<\/a> please read this \u2764\ufe0f I may be sex repulsed but I know that I love you and thats what matters \u2728<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

I know this is already really long and really informative, but I also wanted to add a partner\u2019s perspective. I too, have an ace fiancee. I knew about it before our relationship. I didn\u2019t know it was a thing until I met her, and that was huge to me because I learned something new and also came to understand an old friend a little better.\u00a0<\/p>\n

I, on the other hand, am not ace. I am at the complete opposite end of the spectrum. I am pansexual, and she has a hard time I think coming to terms with the fact that I don\u2019t want to make her have sex.<\/i><\/p>\n

Like,\u00a0\u2018Really?\u2019 you might ask me. Like really is my only reply. I have loved her for a long time now, and being we met over Tumblr and we knew one another before the relationship, sex isn\u2019t a big deal in our relationship. and I can think of at least ten of my friends who would feel the same way right now.\u00a0<\/b><\/i><\/p>\n

ASEXUALITY IS A REAL THING, LOVING, SWEET ACE RELATIONSHIPS ARE REAL! Just because your partner wants sex doesn\u2019t make you broken. Just because you don\u2019t want sex doesn\u2019t mean you should have to force yourself to do so.\u00a0<\/b><\/i><\/p>\n

Just be honest with one another, love one another. If a relationship can\u2019t survive a healthy, honest conversation, then it wasn\u2019t a very strong relationship to begin with.\u00a0<\/p>\n

TL;DR People who can\u2019t see past sex as a\u00a0\u2018core\u2019 in a relationship with someone ace\/sex repulsed is an asshole.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

pansexualfaithlehane: erenexe: poedamerontrashcaneron: intj-confessions: auditorycheesecakes: onyxjuniper: frecklesandsky: I just read this super sad post about this girl who\u2019s asexual and married and everyone is basically telling her that she doesn\u2019t deserve her husband\/she\u2019s just a prude\/she should just do it anyway. So I want to tell you all right now that if people tell you … Continue reading <\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[3082,618],"class_list":["post-7579","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-asexuality","tag-important","without-featured-image"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/archive.gabapple.com\/tumblr\/gabapple\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7579","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/archive.gabapple.com\/tumblr\/gabapple\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/archive.gabapple.com\/tumblr\/gabapple\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/archive.gabapple.com\/tumblr\/gabapple\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/archive.gabapple.com\/tumblr\/gabapple\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=7579"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/archive.gabapple.com\/tumblr\/gabapple\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7579\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/archive.gabapple.com\/tumblr\/gabapple\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=7579"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/archive.gabapple.com\/tumblr\/gabapple\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=7579"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/archive.gabapple.com\/tumblr\/gabapple\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=7579"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}