{"id":7441,"date":"2017-09-15T23:58:59","date_gmt":"2017-09-15T23:58:59","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/archive.gabapple.com\/tumblr\/gabapple\/2017\/09\/15\/hey-kelley-so-i-always-thought-i-was-demi-and\/"},"modified":"2017-09-15T23:58:59","modified_gmt":"2017-09-15T23:58:59","slug":"hey-kelley-so-i-always-thought-i-was-demi-and","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/archive.gabapple.com\/tumblr\/gabapple\/2017\/09\/15\/hey-kelley-so-i-always-thought-i-was-demi-and\/","title":{"rendered":"Hey Kelley! So, I always thought I was demi and only sexually attracted to people I had strong, genuine feelings for. But hearing my friends talk about their sex lives really bothers me? I get really uncomfortable and almost upset. I think it might be because I don’t think of people as sexual beings, and when I find out someone close to me is in fact having sex, it’s so contrary to my perception of them that I end up feeling hurt. I don’t know if that’s any sort of normal. Any advice?"},"content":{"rendered":"

anotherwellkeptsecret<\/a>:<\/p>\n

\n

I can safely say that I felt that way when I was younger. I went through three different stages before I realized I was on the ace spectrum somewhere. 1.) I\u2019m the next virgin Mary. 2.) I\u2019m better than everyone else for being able to keep my head on straight when it comes to sex. 3.) There\u2019s something wrong with me.\u00a0<\/p>\n

So I\u2019ve had a lot of different feelings about sex and how it relates to others and how I perceived it. I\u2019ve hated sex, I\u2019ve been severely embarrassed by it, I\u2019ve been angry at sex, too. Why is it such a big deal? Why does it make people so stupid? Etc, etc.\u00a0<\/p>\n

Anyway, when I was at my most angry\/uncomfortable, I was a bit like Sherlock. Rather, like Jefferson Hope (the cabbie from ASiP).\u00a0\u201cWhy can\u2019t people just think????\u201d In my case,\u00a0\u201cWhy can\u2019t people get their minds out of their pants????\u201d This was\u2026highschool, I think. Most of highschool.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m not sure what changed my mind about it. I think college itself. Learning about new people and new things. Fanfiction helped, too. I had this warped perception that there was a\u00a0\u2018harmed object\u2019 during sex. I did a research paper on this topic as a senior in college, actually. The language we use to talk about sex is kinda brutal. Bang. Screw. Fuck. Nail. And dirty language (still not a favorite of mine!) seems to make it that much more hurtful. And porn, especially, has a way of making one partner the harmed object. Women, specifically, if there\u2019s a woman involved in porn.\u00a0<\/p>\n

Now, everyone has their thing and that\u2019s fine. But realizing that I\u2019d been viewing sex in this\u00a0\u2018harmed object\u2019 mindset my whole life without realizing it made me reconsider what sex was and what it meant to me.\u00a0<\/p>\n

Not everyone has sex the same way. We all like different things. Because the\u00a0\u2018harmed object\u2019 language is so pervasive in society, it lead me to associate sex with pain subconsciously. Pain and sex for me personally do not go together well. And that\u2019s the problem. Our language is very much one way when there are ALL types of ways to have sex.\u00a0<\/p>\n

Loving, intimate, fun, laughter, tickling, giggling, raspberries, forehead kisses. Hell, licking something tasty and silly off of someone\u2019s belly. Calling someone sweet things and telling them how beautiful they are and how much they mean to you. If I have sex, that\u2019s the kind I\u2019d want. I don\u2019t want to be nailed or screwed, I want to be loved.\u00a0<\/p>\n

This was really really long an winded but! I wanted to reassure you that you aren\u2019t the only one to have problems with sex. I\u2019ve run the gamut as far as how I feel about it. And I\u2019m a virgin. I don\u2019t even have practical experience.\u00a0<\/p>\n

If you\u2019re looking to feel differently about sex, maybe be conscious of what language you\u2019re using when you\u2019re thinking about it, or when others talk about it. That\u2019s the only personal advice I can give you. Good luck, lovely!<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

anotherwellkeptsecret: I can safely say that I felt that way when I was younger. I went through three different stages before I realized I was on the ace spectrum somewhere. 1.) I\u2019m the next virgin Mary. 2.) I\u2019m better than everyone else for being able to keep my head on straight when it comes to … Continue reading Hey Kelley! So, I always thought I was demi and only sexually attracted to people I had strong, genuine feelings for. But hearing my friends talk about their sex lives really bothers me? I get really uncomfortable and almost upset. I think it might be because I don’t think of people as sexual beings, and when I find out someone close to me is in fact having sex, it’s so contrary to my perception of them that I end up feeling hurt. I don’t know if that’s any sort of normal. Any advice?<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[3062,3061,3060],"class_list":["post-7441","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-ace-spectrum","tag-demisexual","tag-great-post","without-featured-image"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/archive.gabapple.com\/tumblr\/gabapple\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7441","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/archive.gabapple.com\/tumblr\/gabapple\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/archive.gabapple.com\/tumblr\/gabapple\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/archive.gabapple.com\/tumblr\/gabapple\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/archive.gabapple.com\/tumblr\/gabapple\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=7441"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/archive.gabapple.com\/tumblr\/gabapple\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7441\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/archive.gabapple.com\/tumblr\/gabapple\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=7441"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/archive.gabapple.com\/tumblr\/gabapple\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=7441"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/archive.gabapple.com\/tumblr\/gabapple\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=7441"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}